Your porn soundtrack...

I think I’m going to go insane. I’ve gotten used to staying up all night and dealing with druggies and perverts, but the one thing I’m having a hard time with is the music pumped into the porn store 24-7.

We all know those 70s/80s, soft rock compilations that are advertised on late night TV. My work soundtrack is 24 of these compilation CDs that run in the same order, over and over and over again. Not that is really matters. Summer Dream by Seals and Crofts and Lost in Love by Air Supply are on most of the compilation CDs and I end up hearing the same 20 songs repeatedly, every shift.

I take that back about everything being compilation albums. I know for a fact that Air Supply’s, ABBA’s and Jimmy Buffet’s Greatest Hits are in the cd-changer. I strongly suspect there are multiple copies of these CDs in the changer because I hear Jimmy Buffet’s Greatest Hits at least once a shift, EVERY SHIFT. I wasn’t a big Jimmy Buffet fan before I started working here, but now I absolutely loathe him. With the exception of Yoko Ono, he’s the hardest musician to ignore when his music is playing in the background. As soon as Cheeseburger in Paradise opens the album, I immediately do everything I can to busy myself in the back rooms. I’m completely screwed if there are customers in the store and have to stay at the register, which is located right in front of a speaker. Because of this, I’ve seriously considered bringing in a large box fan to drown out the music.

I get no sympathy from coworkers. The morning guy who usually takes over the store from me is a huge “Parrot-Head” and loves Jimmy Buffet. He’s traveled out to see him live on multiple occasions and once brought in the blender attachment for his cordless drill that allows you to make margaritas while camping.

This puts the whole “Jimmy Buffet” mania into perspective. I can listen to almost anything while drunk and would have to down a lot of tequila to make it through a Jimmy Buffet show. This is probably a similar phenomenon to how the Grateful Dead and Phish are amazing live… as long as you’re stoned. Jimmy Buffet must be a blast you’re trashed.

The thing about Jimmy Buffet that really bugs me is the fakeness of his sound. I’ve recently discovered instrumental surf-rock and appreciate artists that attempt to bring in steel guitar and other sounds that are common in island music. I even love exotica, which is a completely artificial aural experience, but it’s fun, creative and makes me want to drink rum. Jimmy Buffet’s songs (at least the hits) are loaded with synthesizers and every sound is processed. It all sounds like it could have been recorded in one take, during a 4-hour studio session.

Furthermore, the only appropriate place to drink fruity island cocktails is while you’re actually on an island, or at least a beach. Failing that, you should at least be at a tropical themed restaurant. But Jimmy Buffet has made is socially acceptable for grown men to mix blended fruit drinks with a portable drill while out camping at outdoor concerts.

It’s shameful.

You might be asking yourself, “Why doesn’t he just replace the CDs in the changer during his shift?”

During my first week, the owner had Bill create a wood box for the large CD changer because employees were changing the music. Their greatest fear is that someone would play rap or hard rock in the store. This seems fair, how many times have you been shopping for pornography when annoying music came over the speakers and drove you from the store? (sarcasm) Failing Melt Banana or death metal, I don’t think the music playing in the store could have any negative impact on sales.

What I did for a while was unplug the changer and then plug it back in again. The box has a tendency to make the electronics inside overheat, which will eventually cause the changer to turn itself off or jam. Bill has since drilled ventilation holes in the top of the box, which he insists will take care of this problem, so I have to use the unplug method sparingly. Otherwise, they’ll figure this trick out and mount the whole audio system inside the store safe.

And as much as I hate to admit it, it’s much easier to fall asleep during a shift with no music on versus any music playing. I’ve found it’s impossible to fall asleep during ABBA’s CD, so while it feels like my brain is slowly melting out of my ears, at least I won’t get fired for sleeping on the job.