Ask Jizz - February 5, 2012

Today’s question comes from a fellow blogger who writes a lovely blog called 3XX Days to Go.

Are the booths automated or do you have to touch their money?

This question made me realize I didn’t give very much detail about the physical mechanics of the booths. I’ll get to the answer to this question in a minute, but please allow me to indulge myself first.

Back when I turned 18 and was still in high school, some friends and I used to occasionally go to Broadway Book and Video in downtown Minneapolis. This was back before downtown Minneapolis got revamped and the place was a real eyesore. The creepiest people hung out in front and if you went anywhere near the gay section; guys would follow you throughout the rest of the store. The thing I remember the most was that they had a giant bondage cage in the center of the store with a lingerie-wearing mannequin inside (presumable for those who couldn't imagine it’s intended use.)

The first time a group of use went to Broadway, another customer with the same color jacket as one a guy in our group was shoving magazines under his coat. Suddenly, the voice of god came out of nowhere yelling that a cop car was immediately outside and that two in our group were under arrest for shoplifting. When the clerk, who was standing on top of a display case for extra intimidation, checked these two and found their jackets empty, he yelled at us for making him think we were shoplifting. (While he was yelling, the guy who was actually shoplifting slipped out the door with his stolen goods.)

They had video booths in the basement, which was even more disgusting than the main floor. Instead of the individual “booth/stalls” like the store in Mankato, each booth only had two, small saloon-doors that left your legs, upper torso and head completely exposed. Because of this, you could walk down the video hallway watching legs and shoulders shake as the patrons jerked off, completely unconcerned of others. They also had a “snack machine” that had, in addition to candy and chips, condoms, lube packs, playing cards (?) and (surprise) poppers!

Their system took tokens and I mention this because the one saving grace of Broadway was that their basement also had classic video games in addition to the video booths.  I was once convinced to go to the store on the premise of playing the original Tron arcade game. About halfway through my game, I started thinking about what was on the hands of the other people who had recently played the machine. I decided to let my friends finish the game, gave them the rest of my tokens and washed my hands ten times under very hot water.

The store I worked at had booths that only accepted bills. The machines took ones, fives, tens and twenties. As the clerk, I had to provide change to the customers that needed their larger bills broken down into ones. I always thought the main reason customers wanted change was an excuse to walk down the video booth hallway and scope out who else was in the store. The guys who were serious about getting in, jerking off and getting out would put whatever they had in their wallet into the machine. I’d often start my overnight cleaning with a booth or two still running because someone, now long gone, put in a twenty and then finished when they had… (ahem)… finished.

It was always the regulars who asked for change. The guys I kicked out on a regular basis. They’d come into the store, ask for change, sit in a booth for a few minutes, come out and walk around the store, go back to their car, come back in and then go back into a booth for a few minutes. We had signs up that explained how ‘trolling’ was forbidden at the store, but when you’re the only clerk and there are customers in the store, there’s no a lot I could do to prevent it. (There were a few guys on our black-list that were forbidden from coming into the store. They'd often attempt to sneak into the booths by coming in the back entrance and never asking for change. But you had to fuck up pretty bad, or try to steal something, to get on this list.)

Some of these regulars came in cars I started to recognize. A large number of these cars had child seats in the back. This is why I try to make such a big point that not everyone who is gay is a sexual deviant. I don’t know if these guys were actually gay and stuck in a marriage, or sex addicts coming out every night for a quick thrill, but I saw them as creeps rather than gay. Anyone who spends more than a half-hour at a porn store and isn’t getting paid for it, is probably not the sort of person you’d like around your kids.

Nowadays (remember, I worked at this store from 1998 to 2001) I expect customers can swipe a credit or debit card in addition to inserting bills into video booths. Places probably offer hi-definition video booths at a premium price for their upscale customers.  I doubt there are many places that have token systems, but if you find any, I’d leave the store as soon as possible.