What does excellent customer service mean to you?

I’ve written a lot about how I don’t have to be nice to customers and that I can kick out people simply on a whim, but the thing is that I actually like helping customers that have legitimate questions. The couple that wants to learn where to start with sex toys. The husband who wants to bring home a naughty movie that isn’t too intense. A young woman who doesn’t know what size lingerie will fit her and needs an objective opinion about which outfit looks best. (Okay, that last one has never happened.)

While the majority of customers I write about are freaks, the truth is that I believe adult stores provide an important service to loving couples who are looking to spice up their love lives. So I do my best when these customers get up the nerve to ask me questions.

Sometimes, even these legitimate questions are hilarious.

For example, one Sunday morning around 5 a.m., an older gentleman came in looking for, in his words, “masturbation sleeves” that were at least eight inches long. This was new terminology, but I knew exactly what he was talking about. For those unfamiliar with this product; do you remember those Water Wigglies toys that were a tube of plastic, filled with water and slipped out of your hand when you held them too tight? (If not, Google Water Wigglies.) Now imagine this toy with a handle on the side so you can slide your penis inside and squish the entire apparatus until you ejaculate.

These products are all about five inches long and there’s no reason you need to need to fit your entire penis inside as the movement in and out is the main appeal. I showed him what we had and he, realizing how small they were, started to object. As he started motioning towards his crotch to express his great need for something larger, I walked away and said, “I’m sorry sir, that’s all we have,” over my shoulder.

Then there was the married couple looking for a “vibrator with an insane amount of power.” (This was their, well-worded description.) This was fun because the husband kept agreeing and saying, “She just needs more power!” We went through a variety of different vibrators and toys, testing out the vibrating power of each with our test-batteries to find the most powerful toy in the store. In the end, they bought The Earthquake, essentially a penis-shaped vibrator that was four times as large as a typical vibrator and required 5 D-batteries to operate. They were so excited, I was surprised to see them tearing out of the parking lot. I assumed they would have gotten busy while still parked in back of the store.

Then there are the more depressing “family” incidents.

A large number of parents try to bring their small children into the store. This isn’t allowed by the store and I’m pretty sure it’s against the law. Sadly, most of these customers are looking to buy drug paraphernalia and I shudder to think of the children sitting in the back seat while their mommy or daddy takes hits while driving.

One incident that really disturbed me was a mom who came in with an infant that obviously had some sort of mental disability. I don’t know if drug use had anything to do with this child’s disability, or even if it was her child, but logic would suggest it did. I told her she had to leave with the baby and she went absolutely ballistic. She droned on and on about how she comes in here with the baby all the time and that she only needed a new bat box. None of this mattered and after she finished her diatribe, I repeated that I couldn’t serve her. She left, angry and swearing, and I was left wondering about the future of that poor child.

Some parents even go so far as to leave their kids in the car. If we see this, we’re supposed to kick the customer out of the store. I would kick them out even if it wasn’t store policy. What kind of a parent leaves their kid in the car while they buy porn or drug supplies? (I have an angry, blatant answer for that, but will keep these comments to myself.)

Sometimes, it’s really obvious that there are kids left in a car. All of a sudden, you’ll start to hear high-pitched laughter over the constant stream of 70s love ballads that broadcast throughout the store. Other times, the bored kids will start to honk the horn in a rhythmic pattern until their parent comes back to the car. In one case, someone’s child even stuck their head in the door and cried out, “daddy” as the ten customers jumped, faced the entrance and then turned away with red faces.

Some of the trolls in the video booths drive to the store in vehicles that have child car seats in the back seats. But as often as I have to kick them out for trying to have sex with each other, I have to give them credit for at least leaving their kids at home.

Some days, my childhood seems like it was a lot less complicated than most others.