Detox

We live in an amazing time and place. Not only do we have easy access to a wide variety of chemicals that can alter our reality (both illegal and available with a prescription), but we also have another selection of chemicals we can consume to hide the fact that we’re taking the chemicals we’re not supposed to be smoking/swallowing/injecting/etc. At least that’s what the outside of the boxes would tell you.

I’m not stupid. I’ve experienced my share of chemicals and realize that addition is the biggest factor in play here. If part of your probation agreement involves you subjecting yourself to random drug screenings in order to stay out of jail and you still feel the need to take drugs, there are some very powerful addictions at work.

One thing that does baffle me are the guys on probation, who know full-well that they’ll be back in jail (or prison) if they fail a urine screen test and still insist on smoking pot. Now my stoner days are over, but as good as pot ever was, it’s certainly not worth going to jail for. Hell, with what you can pick up at any given pharmacy, it’s hardly worth tracking down a dealer.

Anyway, interacting with the customers on probation is a continual reminder of why I distanced myself from the drug culture and why I’m glad I won’t be working in a porn store for the rest of my life.

The science behind a toxin-flush drink is pretty simple. When you consume anything, (food, drugs, pollution in the air, etc.) a portion of that chemical will stay in your system for a certain amount of time. The more of something you consume, the more of it stays in your system and the more you have to flush out (either through pee, poop, vomit or sweat.) I really hope this concept hasn’t confused anyone up to this point.

There are toxin flush products readily available to the public. The problem is that a toxin-flush will only remove a portion of these chemicals and it’s only a matter of time before your body starts naturally flush out the remaining chemicals through pee, poop, vomit or sweat (you may have noticed a trend). This is a crucial point every drug user needs to understand because no matter how good the toxin flush is (or how much water you drink) sooner or later, your urine is going to start containing traces of the drugs you’ve taken until they’re completely removed from your system.

Additionally, many of the drug testing companies can find traces of any chemicals you’ve used to clean out your system (Goldenseal for example). This will invalidate your drug test, so you have to be really careful. Knowing all this, it’s still quite possible to pass a UA test, IF YOU’RE WILLING TO FOLLOW THE INSTRUCTIONS.

I haven’t been working here very long and I’ve already had multiple customers come back in with their empty box and receipt demanding a refund. (The box does advertise a double-your-money-back refund, but you need to go directly through their parent company and provide a copy of your failed test.) At the same rate, I’ve also seen a few regular customers come in at the same time every month and buy the product. After talking to both groups, the issue is clear.

THOSE WHO FAIL AREN’T FOLLOWING THE INSTRUCTIONS!

I didn’t think this would be such a big deal, but considering my earlier statements about addition and continuing to smoke pot even though you know it will send you to jail, I guess it shouldn’t. Here’s how it’s supposed to work; one to two hours before your test, drink the bottle of toxin cleanse. Fifteen minutes later, fill the empty bottle with water and drink that down. Make sure you pee twice before your test (this isn’t an issue as drinking this product causes you to piss and shit like a racehorse.) Oh, and AVOID ANY UNWANTED SUBSTANCES AT LEAST 48 HOURS BEFORE THE TEST.

This is probably why most people fail. I’ve heard stories of people strictly following the directions, then packing a oneie and smoking it on the way to the testing facility. I expect there’s a special box on the form that the tester checks if you come into your test reeking of marijuana. I’d like my response to the people who do this to be, “You’re a fucking idiot and deserve to be locked away,” but strangely enough, I usually feel sorry for these people and politely explain that you need to abstain from any chemicals at least two days before the test.

I should point out that I’m not talking about people who get random drug tests. These folks have an appointment set a month in advance with their parole officer and know exactly when they need to pee into a cup. There is absolutely no excuse (other than basic addition and being stupid) that they should fail to follow these instructions. In a worst case scenario, their test should come back inconclusive or too diluted, not positive for pot.

Another common complaint is that the customer drank the toxin cleanse immediately after leaving the store, then failed their drug screen a week later. Again, a consumer shouldn’t use any product they don’t understand. A cleanse will only remove traces of chemicals from your urine for a short period of time. Failing a blood transfusion and liposuction, there’s no way to ensure drugs you’ve taken won’t eventually appear in your urine.

We’ve all heard stories about former drug addicts to wind up tripping-out during a long workout because their body started to burn fat that storing drugs from their wild past. Or the acid-head who went into a chiropractor for an adjustment, only to leave on a trip because a spinal adjustment released some of the LSD trapped in their spinal column. (I have no idea if these stories have any merit of truth, but since most people have heard them, you can assume most people would understand the concept… but you’d be wrong.)

Drug testing is evolving as quickly as the cleansing systems, so it’s not easy to say how long these store-bought cleansing methods will continue to be effective. We’ve already started stocking a shampoo that can be used before a hair follicle drug test that is supposed to clean out any evidence of drug use. I haven’t heard any testimonials as to whether or not this product works, but my guess is that it doesn’t. If someone is willing to have your hair chemically analyzed by a lab, I’m assuming ANY chemicals on your hair will be easily detected.

Perhaps the most ingenious (and disturbing) product available in the UA screening world is the mechanical penis that you can wear inside your pants, attached to an external bladder of clean urine. While I’ll admit this is kind of neat, it does raise some red flags about priorities in your life. Not only are you continuing to use drugs when you know it could get you thrown back in jail, but you’re also wearing a synthetic penis device with a bag full of someone else’s urine attached to your leg to warm the fluid so it comes out at a “natural” temperature. This doesn’t even consider what you had to do, and who you had to ask, to obtain this clean urine.

I have heard an amusing anecdote about a guy who failed his probation drug test because it came back pregnant. This could be an urban legend, but considering what these people have gone through to attempt to pass the test (everything except not taking drugs), it wouldn’t surprise me. Then again, nothing surprises me anymore.

Finally, it would be prudent to discuss the legal ramifications of cheating on a court-ordered drug test. It’s one thing to get caught cheating on a test you’re taking for a potential job and simply not getting hired when you fail, but getting caught cheating on a court-ordered test is a FELONY. Not only will you be going back to jail, you’ll also likely get time added to your original sentence for attempting (poorly) to cheat on your pee test. This failed attempt will most-likely be brought up at any future attempts for parole, so getting caught fucks you over in a variety of ways.

But hey, getting high it worth it… right?