Friday, May 18, 2012

Where you been?

Hi everyone,

You may have noticed that I haven’t been regularly updated the Jizzmopper Chronicles for a while and I wanted to let you know why.

My wife (and our 7-month-old son) has been kind enough to point out that all the time I was spending on this blog and its Twitter account was taking massive amounts of attention and interaction away from them. When I realized just how badly I was neglecting them, I realized I needed to quickly reframe my priories before I lost anything more than time.

Because of this, we’ve been spending our time as a family, rather than just me hunkered down alone on my computer.

What does this mean for the Jizzmopper Chronicles?

The first phase of the chronicles has been written and a lot of it has been posted on this blog. The second phase is mostly written, but as I reviewed my writing, I realized that a lot of phase two needs to be revised and beefed up.

So, I will continue to finish new sections and post them on this blog, but they won’t be daily, like I had been doing. I also won’t be active on Twitter. (I’ll still try to posts links to new posts if I can, but the two other accounts I manage have taken up all the attention I have to give to micro-blogging.) The goal is still to turn this into a book eventually and I’ll post on the blog when this process gets closer.

Thanks for reading and continuing to follow my stories.

Friday, May 4, 2012

12.5 Hours in a Porn Store

Usually I work the 6 to 10pm shift, but today I covered for the coworker who works the 10am-6pm day shift. This means I was looking at a 10am to 10pm shift without breaks behind the glass counter of a porn store.  The coworker I was covering for regularly worked the 10am to 10pm shift at the store, so I knew it could be done, but this was the longest consecutive time I have spent in a porn store (even including my time working at an adult bookstore during college).

If you’re anything like me, you face a challenge like this with an amusing theme. In this case, I decided to spend the shift listening to the complete discography of Bob Marley and the Wailers. From African Herbsman to Uprising (I decided to go alphabetical instead of chronological), it was to be a Reggae day.

The first thing I noticed was that being around sexual-related items put a new twist on some of Bob Marley’s classics:
  • Anal Sex – No Woman No Cry, Exodus, TRENCH Town Rock
  • Masturbation – Lively Up Yourself, Stir it Up, Crazy Baldhead
  • Sex Toys – Positive Vibration, Kinky Reggae
  • Sex in General – Is This Love, Could You Be Loved, Jammin’
  • And I’m completely convinced that I Shot the Sherriff is an analogy about being a top in anal sex (sheriff), but now allowing yourself to be a bottom (deputy).

This experience also gave me a new appreciation for the Wailers as a live band. Songs that were recorded on a bare-bones budget in a studio outside some Jamaican slum take on a renewed energy when performed live by a band with high-end instruments that put the crowd’s energy directly back into their music.

Only one customer commented about the music playing in the store. It was a man in his twenties who gave me a smile as he asked, “Cool tunes… they let you play stuff like this in the store?”

To which I replied, “Nope.”

I wasn’t supposed to be listening to anything other than the 4 approved radio stations, but I man has to have something to get him through the day.

Sometimes it’s fun breaking the rules and being naughty in a naughty store.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

No sex until...

A customer came up to me today and asked me questions about what men use when they’re "by themselves." I took him over to the pocket vaginas and gave a vague description of how to use them. This only confused the poor guy, so I went into more graphic details, including the classic finger into the clenched fist routine.

One of the more awkward things about working in an adult store is trying to figure out what terms are appropriate to use when describing body parts. It feels funny telling someone they’re supposed to put their penis and testicles into the stretched rubber of the vibrating dual-headed-cock ring. At the same rate, it feels just as strange using the words cock and balls to a customer in a retail setting.

This customer went onto explain how he and his fiancé were living together, but they were still waiting to have sex with each other. They were both in their 40s, had been previously married and were not virgins, but still wanted to save intercourse for their wedding night.

“No kidding!” was his repeated phrase as I answered his questions about everything from anal plugs to ball gags, the whole time wondering if he was for real or if this was all a rouse that was giving him some sort of sick thrill.

After 45 minutes of sexual education from me, he didn’t buy anything.

Situations like this always leave me wondering if people are really so naive that they don't realize that the answers to their questions could easily be answered by visiting the internet. I chose to work here and expect questions like this, but I can't help but think it would be less embarrassing and awkward to do a little research on your own. But a lot of folks decide it's easier to come ask questions and give intimate personal details to a stranger behind a glass counter.

Then I start to think about how sheltered some people are. Granted, with my experiences I'm pretty jaded, but I'm surprised to see people come into the store that don't know what a dildo is. I know there are people like this in the world, I just wouldn't expect them to come into a porn store.

On the upside, it does help break-up my shift.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

The Jizzmopper Chronicles Phase II - Legitimate Porn

Well here we are again…

I’m back working at an adult bookstore. This time in Minneapolis.

For those of you just joining the blog, I spent the majority of my college career at Minnesota State University, Mankato working at a creepy porn/head store on the edge of town. I started out on overnights and eventually worked my way up to Assistant Manager. For the most part, it was amusing. Once I became Assistant Manager, I worked 3 days on, 3 days off and made more there than my first two “professional” jobs after I graduated from college.

This time, I’m working at a newly-built adult bookstore to raise extra cash for my upcoming wedding and to give me some more life experience to write about. It’s not a sleazy store with guys jerking off to porn in the video booths and toothless, meth heads coming into buy glass pipes. This is a couple’s friendly, “legitimate business” stationed in a mini-mall at the edge of a suburb.

You might think that working here would be a lot less amusing and tame than working at a cum-soaked whack shack, but you’d be wrong. People are much more likely to open up to me here and I learn about bedroom antics from all walks of life. (It’s also caused me to wonder if my mailman is wearing a locked-on butt-plug under his pants as he makes his daily rounds.)

I’ll be posting amusing anecdotes and things I feel the need to rant about. I’m currently working on turning these stories into a book, so stay tuned for more information.

Happy reading!