When people
learn that I work at an adult bookstore, one of the most common comments is, “You
must have a ton of porn at your house…” The funny thing about this assumption
is that I don’t. (Begin your “sure you don’t comments” now.)
But with so much
free pornography on the internet (in every conceivable genre, I’m looking your
way fans of My Little Pony Dress-Up Fisting Parties), I’m surprised anyone
spends much money buying pornography. But the bigger point is that watching
porn at home is like taking work home with me.
As employees, we’re
allowed to rent movies for free. The owners recently cracked down on the number
of movies we can take out at a time and we’re now limited to one per person. It
used to be that there was no defined limit, so everyone had at least five
movies out at a time. I’ll admit that most of these rentals ended up being
crazy fetish videos to freak out my roommates, but now I don’t take anything
home. Given that I don’t have a TV in my room and that I see porn as mainly a
masturbatory aid, any videos I rent now are focused on freaky things that I can
weird people out with at parties.
I’m a voracious
reader and during the downtime at the store, I’ve gotten to know all of the
magazines we carry in incredible detail. Nudie pictures get really old, really
fast, so I’m on the search for something of merit to read. Playboy as a porn
mag is completely worthless and I don’t understand why people buy it from the
store. They have some great, well-written articles, but each issue is limited
to just three, heavily airbrushed pictorials. Penthouse is pretty much the
same, but with more explicit photos. Hustler has lots of naughty photos and some
entertaining political rants, but it’s disgusting. (Maybe I’m weird, but I don’t
get turned on by a woman pulling apart her genitalia like she’s ready to be
stuffed like a Thanksgiving turkey.)
Furthermore, even
with my 50% employee discount, I haven’t purchased any sexual devices from the
store. It’s not that I’m against the
idea of fucking a synthetic vagina. I’m sure it feels great, but what turns me
off is the fact that I’ll have to clean it afterwards. Considering my general
aversion to cleaning, I expect I’ll put off washing it out after each use and
my spent semen will eventually start to attract bugs. At that point, I’ll be embarrassed
to throw it away, so I’ll end up throwing it out the window, some dark, lonely
night on a stretch of barren highway.
Hey, at least I’m
honest.
I won’t even buy
condoms at the store after I went through our stock and found that more than
half of them were expired. When I mentioned this to the warehouse and suggested
we throw away the expired prophylactics, they told me to keep them and that
everything we sell is intended for “Novelty Use Only.” With our gigantic
mark-up, even with my half-off discount, it’s still cheaper to purchase condoms
at a drug store.
So far, the only
items I’ve purchased from the store were a few movies for single, male friend’s
birthdays, a box of nitrous cartridges and a cracker for a friend who wanted to
try it out and a lot of greeting cards. (Cards are one of the few things I like
going into adult bookstores for. You simply can’t find cards this hilariously
offensive at Hallmark.) It’s not that I feel I’m above porn, it’s just that I
haven’t found anything that I actually want.
Anyone have any
recommendations?
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