Hazing at the porn store...

I’ve been working at the store for a while and have managed to get a number of my friends hired. Because of this, we’ve taken it upon ourselves to start hazing new employees that we know outside of the store.

To be fair, working at the porn store is one of the least-taxing jobs on the face of the earth. Kicking out people trying to fuck each other in the video booths notwithstanding, there aren’t any demands other than ringing customers up and counting your cash drawer. I decided that this was too easy and added some spice to our newest employee’s first solo overnight shift.

Steve is the brother-in-law of Jeremy, an evening shift clerk who agreed to help make his in-law’s first shift memorable. We did this using a four-part method.

1. We crank called the store from the pay phone located across the street of the store. We did our best to call only when the store was crowded and took pains to keep him on the phone as long as possible.
2. A female friend was sent in to attempt to return one of her old sex toys and then act irate when he wouldn’t allow the return. (She refused to let us smear lint and facial hair on the device before bringing it in.)
3. Since walking and cleaning the parking lot is required at the end of his shift, we placed a variety of surprises for him to find. These surprises were specifically designed to make him wonder what the hell was happening outside the store while he was working. For one, we put an entire roll of saran wrap balled up around a rubber chicken, wet naps and an empty jar of Vaseline. Along his car, we smeared Vaseline (obtained from the now empty jar) on his passenger side windows and wrote suggestive messages that were apparently only visible when he drove home and the sunlight hit the passenger side of the car. Next to the garbage dumpster, we drew a large pentagram in the dirt and threw a couple of raw chicken breasts in the center. (In retrospect, this was the dumbest part of the prank. Everyone had to deal with the smell of rotting chicken for days after throwing raw meat on the ground.)
4. The coup de grâce was a condom filled with Campbell’s chicken and stars soup thrown against the wall of the back, corner booth. This was accomplished during one of the long prank phone calls and we were able to get the soup to explode all the way up to ceiling. I was tremendously impressed with the results of this part of the prank as it's incredibly difficult to get condensed soup into a condom.

The most difficult part about this prank was playing it cool. It was several days before I was going to see Steve again and every ounce of my being wanted to call him up the following night to ask him about his first overnight shift by himself. This wouldn’t be completely out of the ordinary because I’m an Assistant Manager, but I’m also terrible at keeping a straight face/voice while talking to someone about a joke. I felt that for the good of the mission, I would simply wait until Steve chose to tell me about these events.

Eventually, Steve told Jeremy what had happened and wanted to know if this sort of thing was normal at the store. That’s when the prank was exposed and after about 10 seconds of deciding whether or not to get pissed, Steve burst out laughing. This prank was quite literally over the top and we made it up to Steve by taking him out for drinks and dinner.

The only problem now is how to top ourselves the next time another friend gets hired. Also, I'm a little worried about what Steve will pull in retaliation.