Never prank call a porn store...

Due to the nature of our business, we don’t have a mailbox or a listed phone number. Thanks to 411 (and probably a loose connection of junior-high-school student word of mouth), prank callers regularly get access to our phone number. But thanks to Star 69, we’re usually able to turn this slightly annoying occurrence into an incredibly amusing experience.

The calls all begin the same, “Thank you for calling _____________, how may I help you?”

Short pause.

(Spoken in an attempted, fake low tone.) “Aaaaahm…. Yeah. Do you guys sell _________.”

To be fair, legitimate customer questions can begin this way too. Whether or not the call is legitimate usually depends on what the caller asks for.

The following product requests ensure a prank call:

• Boobie Movies
• Naked Ladies
• Anything involving the word “wiener”
• Anything involving the word “humping”
• Playboys (without asking about a specific issue)
• Excessive Laughter

The following product requests may or may not ensure a prank call:

• Masturbation Sleeves (actually a common request, see earlier post about this)
• Condoms (the more specific the question, the greater likelihood it’s a prank)
• Beta Movies (this only happened once, but they sounded sincere)
• Dildos
• Marital Aids (the more elderly they sound, the more likely it’s a legit question)
• Anything involving the word “vagina”
• Anything involving the word “anus”
• Gay Porn

Once I know the call is a prank, I like to keep the caller on the line for as long as possible. First, I’m bored and extending this conversation amuses me. Second, this happens most times when the caller doesn’t hang up, they start to feel like a complete jack-ass and usually end up apologizing. Last, the longer they stay on the line, the greater the chance that one of their parents will pick up the phone and catch them in the act. This happens surprisingly frequently and when the parent starts asking questions, I calmly explain that someone from this number has called the store asking for movies about “butt-sex.” Then I sit and listen to the parent chew their kid out.

The real fun comes after a prank caller hangs up on me. I take this as a personal challenge and always dial Star 69 to get their number and call them back. If an adult answers, I explain that someone from this number has been calling and harassing us. If the prankster answers, I let them know that we take phone harassment VERY seriously and that if this continues, we will be contacting the police. Additionally, I say we’ll be calling back sometime in the next few days to let their parents know what has been happening.

The last threat always brings panic (sometimes tears) and results in the prankster begging me now to tell their parents. One time, I must have made my threat to someone who didn’t live at that house. Shortly after hanging up, someone else from this same number called back and begged me not to tell his parents or the police. “My friends put me up to this,” he said through restrained sobs. “You know how it goes… man.”

On a number of occasions, I’ve had extended conversation with people who I thought were pranksters, but eventually realized it was a legitimate customer calling. Once, I was on the phone for two hours with a guy, who I later discovered was a woman, discussing what products would best help a woman in her late 50s achieve orgasm. (Don’t laugh; we’ll all be in a similar situation someday.) By the end of the call, I believe I helped her, but I never saw anyone matching what I imagined she looked like, come into the store.

Our store name is remarkably similar to the name of a boating supply store in town. Because of this, we often get callers looking for a different store. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said, “You want a 50 foot COCK?” Only to be embarrassingly corrected by the caller that they’re looking for a “dock.”

Games like this certainly help the long shifts fly by.