What is this stuff for?

The store I work at is a head shop in addition to being a porn store. This means that I get to deal with addicts as well as perverts. Not that all of our customers are sex-fiends and druggies, but selling related products brings them out in droves. Also, these are the customers that are most fun to write about.

Our store isn’t the only place in Mankato that sells “smoking supplies,” but it used to be. Years ago, when they first attempted to sell pipes and rolling papers, the local police came into the store and confiscated the entire stock. The owner had to take the city to court to get his merchandise back and eventually won the right to sell these products within city limits.

For legal reasons, we’re required to explain that these pipes and papers are intended for tobacco use only. Any assertion that these products will be used to smoke an illegal substance will result in the customer being ejected from the store. Because of this, bongs are called “water-cooled tobacco pipes” and one-ies (aka pinchies) are called, “single-use refillable tobacco pipes.” We even have a display up that explains the health benefits of smoking tobacco through a water pipe located next to a three-foot gravity bong. Theoretically speaking, all of the pipes we sell "could" be used to smoke tobacco, which is why it’s legal to sell them.

What I find most amusing is the legal explanations we have for far less innocent products. We sell nitrous oxide cartridges for the supposed purpose of recharging homemade whipped cream dispensers. We even go so far as to display an incredibly expensive reusable whipped cream dispenser for sale next to the cartridges. (So far, no one has offered to purchase this $150 device.) But at the same time, we also sell balloons and ‘crackers’ that allow you to fill the balloon with the contents of the nitrous cartridge. (“Novelty use only” apparently covers a gigantic array of products.)

Digital scales are displayed in the same case with a similar culinary explanation. Why anyone would buy electronics from a porn store for twice the Office Depot price with absolutely no warranty is beyond me, but I suppose dealers have to go somewhere when they need a scale at 3 a.m.

The nitrous and pot products don’t really bother me. They may kill a lot of brain cells, but I’ve never really thought of them as dangerous substances in most cases. However, even in the world of "novelty products" I’m amazed that we get away selling some of the products we stock.

Recently, I started my shift and found a new item available next to our glass pipes. It was a box of little, glass tubes with a tiny rose inside. At first, I thought this was a cute, romantic gift that we kept in the case to prevent shoplifting.  But after seeing the clientele who regularly purchased these these roses in large quantities (and their lack of teeth), I realized we were actually selling crack pipes. As far as I’m concerned, we may as well sell little baggies with Brillo in them as an accessory.

We’ve also started selling “incense” pipes, that are basically a glass tube with a large glass bulb at the end, packaged with a little vial of incense. It had been a while since I had seen a meth pipe in person, but I recognized what this product was immediately. I don’t know if anyone actually inhales the included incense for a buzz, but I (almost) think it would be safer to inhale meth.

(*Author’s note: This took place long before smoking incense and bath salts became common intoxicants for high school students.)

Once I started ordering merchandise for the store, I realized how common products like these are in head/porn shops. The warehouse catalog we order from has a large variety of products aimed at illegal activities. In fact, they even sell razor blades packaged to resell in single-use containers. (I don’t know what legal explanation is given for selling razor blades with smoking accessories, but I’m sure it’s hilarious.)

Ultimately, people are responsible for their own lives and most of this stuff could be purchased at the hardware store down the street, so I don’t feel particularly bad when I sell these items. Still, part of me feels like we may as well sell special velvet ropes to customers who enjoy auto-erotic asphyxiation.

On the bright side, we don’t sell cigarettes or tobacco.