We're not fucking Blockbuster...

(Or another reason why you should fuck with porn store clerks.)

Move rentals at porn stores are always a pain in the ass and I often wonder why owners and managers bother to put up with the complicated process. There is no convenient computer system with membership cards and barcode scanners. In every porn store I’ve been to, they require the renter to secure the price of the rented movies on their card before charging $5+ per movie, per-night. This way, if the movie isn't returned, the store can simply run the charge on the card permanently. 

It’s an obnoxious process that takes forever because you always have to explain what you’re doing to the customer, who then has to decide if they really want to hand over their credit card to be temporarily charged. We only have a handful of repeat renters, so every time someone wants to rent, I have to explain why I need to swipe their cards multiple times and reassure the customer that the charge will not appear on their monthly statement if they return the movies within a week.

Recently, the owner decided that if movies were more than five days overdue, we’d simply charge the credit card and be done with it. But we used to be required to call customers with overdue movies at least once a day until the overdue movies were returned.

I hated doing this and turned it into something of a game to amuse myself. The dumbasses that left a work number as their contact ALWAYS received several phone calls per evening until they brought back the movies. This was particularly fun working the evening shift as after 7 p.m., I was sure to get voicemail, so the clerks working would take turns calling and leaving messages in different voices. We were also particularly careful to mention the titles of each late movie multiple times during the message. (It's fun saying Cocksuckers 19 in a fake British accent.)

This resulted in multiple occasions of movies being thrown at me when customers finally came in to return their overdue rentals. During one of my nights off, a particularly irate customer bitched out the evening clerk for 20 minutes because our phone calls got him fired from his custodial position. (I’m not positive, but my guess is he was the customer who left his Christian Youth Group employer's phone number as his contact.)

I'm not heartless. I never left a message if a child answered and when it sounded like a spouse had answered, I kept the message very matter-of-fact.

The most amusing late-rental episode occurred when we realized two brothers with 10 overdue movies between the two of them were both working at the same AAMCO station down the street. I discovered that their phone went automatically to voicemail at 5 p.m. so it was easy to leave multiple messages throughout the night. I’m sure owner was amused to hear six messages a night from different clerks requesting that Danny and Donnie return Cum Sucking Sluts 15, Yum Yum We Love Cum and eight other colorful movie titles before the end of the week.

You can tell a lot about someone by the porn they rent. I’m sure bosses around Mankato loved learning that their accounting manager had five transsexual midget movies overdue.

Sure, these messages could get someone fired, but the customers really shouldn’t have listed a work phone number in their contact info for renting a porno movie. And if they don’t get fired, their boss will know what to get them for a Christmas bonus.