No returns means; No returns!

*Editor’s note, the action in this entry is taking place in 1999.

For reasons that should be fairly obvious, we do not accept returns at the porn store. We will exchange defective tapes that are returned, with a receipt, within a week from the original purchase date. (We’re required to test any returned tapes and if the defective tape works in our shitty TV/VCR combo machine, there’s no exchange.) Otherwise, we don’t allow customers to return anything. We test all the devices that vibrate before they leave the store and, in addition to the large signs posted all around the store, explain to every customer that the store offers no returns.

But this doesn’t stop people from trying.

I can’t tell you how many times someone has come in with a defective vibrator and set the package, pubes and all, on the glass counter. In one case, a customer tried to return an anal vibrator that I’m fairly sure still had blood and shit on it. (Thankfully, everything was still in a plastic bag and after he left it on the counter, vowing to never shop here again, I was able to just toss the whole disgusting sack into the garbage.)

Attempted returns are particularly amusing when they involve one of our smoking accessories. Glass, metal and plastic pipes still reeking of pot have been set under my nose by irritated (and stoned) customers who felt the product had failed in some way or another.

These customers are easy to get out of the store. All I need to do is say, “That burned residue looks suspicious. By law, I need to hand this over to the Mankato police department with the customer’s name, telephone number and address.” I don’t have to give the police anything, but it’s hilarious to see their eyes stretch open wide and grab their defective pipe as they mumble, “nevermind,” while bolting out of the store.

One customer almost bled to death when he tried to return a glass “incense” (aka meth) pipe that he had purchased from store less than an hour previously. He didn’t want a bag when he bought the fragile pipe and was now holding the shattered remains of glass in his bare hands. He got mad when I told him we didn’t take returns and I suddenly noticed he was bleeding as he squeezed his broken glass-filled fists in anger. Thankfully, he didn’t bleed on the floor or get any blood on the door, but as I watched him walk away from the store, I saw his grey hooded sweatshirt sleeves darken with what I assume was his blood.

One, deeply embarrassed customer tried to exchange a bi-sexual video because he didn’t realize it included men having sex with men. I found this hard to believe as the bi videos are kept on the same shelves as our man-on-man videos in a completely different area as the straight videos. My suspicions became stronger when I saw that the cover of the video in question featured two men French-kissing while a busty actress attempted to finger their assholes. I pointed this out to the customer, he stuttered something I couldn’t understand and slunk out after I said, “Sorry, no returns.”

I don’t like getting ripped off any more than anyone else, but when you’re purchasing novelties at an adult bookstore, there has to be a certain amount of “oh well” when the product breaks. Every store I’ve ever been to has a strict “No Return” policy and when an establishment is selling products that either cover or go into your genitals, this seems fair. Unfortunately, not everyone appears to have this commerce common sense.

Some people are downright stupid.

I had a ragged looking woman try to turn in a winning lottery ticket during one of my overnight shifts. When I told her we didn’t sell, nor reward lottery tickets, she objected by stating she had bought the ticket here just last week. She mumbled irritated phrases to herself as she left the store without her ticket. When I examined her "winning" ticket, I discovered it was really a Super America gas station receipt.

Once I got to know the products better, I became better at suggesting what vibrators lasted and the ones customers were more-likely to enjoy. Most of the time, this involves spending a lot more money. Some customers are cheap and end up buying a $20 piece of shit that looks like it was put together by a blind monkey. In several instances, I’ve had customers come back into the store to buy my higher-priced suggestion after they went home with the cheaper alternative and learned it only vibrated for 2 minutes before exploding.

My advice for customers: Do your research online. Find out what’s available, what people are saying and then match your needs with the right product. Paying $150 for a quality vibrator that will last for years is a hell of a lot better than losing a piece of plastic up your wife’s vagina because you bought the cheaper version made by a company in Thailand.

Also, if you ask the clerk for help, take their suggestions to heart. We deal with these products all the time and can usually give some great insight if you’re comfortable with opening up to us a little bit. We’re going to make fun of you regardless, so you may as well let us help you find the right product.

And if you do buy something that’s been shoved inside you that breaks. Write a letter to the manufacturer with the product’s UPC or serial number. (DO NOT SEND THEM YOUR USED VIBRATOR!) You’re much more likely to get a new vibrator and letter of apology from California Exotics than you are from Jimbo, the overnight-stoner-burnout-clerk.