tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27677492543551372622024-03-13T09:53:26.324-05:00The Jizzmopper ChroniclesHi, I’m Jizz! I’m a Marketing and Communications professional by trade, but also work part-time at a local adult retailer for amusement and profit. I’ll be sharing some of the more interesting things that happen to me on this blog. Please contact me directly via jizz_mopperhhh at hotmail.com.Jizzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15489947250744447311noreply@blogger.comBlogger62125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2767749254355137262.post-5652130266263347562012-05-18T09:04:00.001-05:002012-05-18T09:04:06.631-05:00Where you been?<br />
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Hi everyone,<o:p></o:p></div>
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You may have noticed that I haven’t been regularly updated
the Jizzmopper Chronicles for a while and I wanted to let you know why.<o:p></o:p></div>
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My wife (and our 7-month-old son) has been kind enough to
point out that all the time I was spending on this blog and its Twitter account
was taking massive amounts of attention and interaction away from them. When I
realized just how badly I was neglecting them, I realized I needed to quickly
reframe my priories before I lost anything more than time.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Because of this, we’ve been spending our time as a family,
rather than just me hunkered down alone on my computer.<o:p></o:p></div>
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What does this mean for the Jizzmopper Chronicles?<o:p></o:p></div>
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The first phase of the chronicles has been written and a lot
of it has been posted on this blog. The second phase is mostly written, but as
I reviewed my writing, I realized that a lot of phase two needs to be revised
and beefed up.<o:p></o:p></div>
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So, I will continue to finish new sections and post them on
this blog, but they won’t be daily, like I had been doing. I also won’t be
active on Twitter. (I’ll still try to posts links to new posts if I can, but
the two other accounts I manage have taken up all the attention I have to give
to micro-blogging.) The goal is still to turn this into a book eventually and I’ll
post on the blog when this process gets closer.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Thanks for reading and continuing to follow my stories.<o:p></o:p></div>Jizzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15489947250744447311noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2767749254355137262.post-89806015954173312352012-05-04T13:42:00.001-05:002012-05-04T13:42:10.719-05:0012.5 Hours in a Porn Store<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">Usually I work the 6 to 10pm shift, but
today I covered for the coworker who works the 10am-6pm day shift. This means I was looking at a 10am to 10pm shift without breaks behind the glass counter of a porn store. The coworker I was covering for regularly worked the 10am to 10pm shift at the store, so I knew it could be
done, but this was the longest consecutive time I have spent in a porn store (even including my time working at an adult bookstore during college).<br />
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If you’re anything like me, you face a challenge like this with an amusing
theme. In this case, I decided to spend the shift listening to the complete
discography of Bob Marley and the Wailers. From African Herbsman to Uprising (I
decided to go alphabetical instead of chronological), it was to be a Reggae day.<br />
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The first thing I noticed was that being around sexual-related items put a new
twist on some of Bob Marley’s classics:</span></div>
<ul>
<li>Anal Sex – No Woman No Cry, Exodus, TRENCH Town Rock</li>
<li>Masturbation – Lively Up Yourself, Stir it Up, Crazy Baldhead</li>
<li>Sex Toys – Positive Vibration, Kinky Reggae</li>
<li>Sex in General – Is This Love, Could You Be Loved, Jammin’</li>
<li>And I’m completely convinced that I Shot the Sherriff is an analogy about being
a top in anal sex (sheriff), but now allowing yourself to be a bottom (deputy).</li>
</ul>
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This experience also gave me a new appreciation for the Wailers as a live band.
Songs that were recorded on a bare-bones budget in a studio outside some
Jamaican slum take on a renewed energy when performed live by a band with
high-end instruments that put the crowd’s energy directly back into their
music.<br />
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Only one customer commented about the music playing in the store. It was a man
in his twenties who gave me a smile as he asked, “Cool tunes… they let you play
stuff like this in the store?”<br />
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To which I replied, “Nope.”<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">I wasn’t supposed to be listening to anything other
than the 4 approved radio stations, but I man has to have something to get him
through the day.<br />
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Sometimes it’s fun breaking the rules and being naughty in a naughty store.<o:p></o:p></span></div>Jizzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15489947250744447311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2767749254355137262.post-61859118842946389452012-05-03T13:43:00.002-05:002012-05-03T13:43:47.241-05:00No sex until...<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">A customer came up to me today and asked
me questions about what men use when they’re "by themselves." I took him over to
the pocket vaginas and gave a vague description of how to use them. This only
confused the poor guy, so I went into more graphic details, including the
classic finger into the clenched fist routine.<br />
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One of the more awkward things about working in an adult store is trying to
figure out what terms are appropriate to use when describing body parts. It
feels funny telling someone they’re supposed to put their penis and testicles
into the stretched rubber of the vibrating dual-headed-cock ring. At the same
rate, it feels just as strange using the words cock and balls to a customer in
a retail setting.<br />
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This customer went onto explain how he and his fiancé were living together, but
they were still waiting to have sex with each other. They were both in their 40s, had been previously
married and were not virgins, but still wanted to save intercourse for their
wedding night.<br />
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“No kidding!” was his repeated phrase as I answered his questions about
everything from anal plugs to ball gags, the whole time wondering if he was for
real or if this was all a rouse that was giving him some sort of sick thrill.<br />
<br />After 45 minutes of sexual education from me, he didn’t buy anything.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">Situations like this always leave me wondering if people are really so naive that they don't realize that the answers to their questions could easily be answered by visiting the internet. I chose to work here and expect questions like this, but I can't help but think it would be less embarrassing and awkward to do a little research on your own. But a lot of folks decide it's easier to come ask questions and give intimate personal details to a stranger behind a glass counter.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">Then I start to think about how sheltered some people are. Granted, with my experiences I'm pretty jaded, but I'm surprised to see people come into the store that don't know what a dildo is. I know there are people like this in the world, I just wouldn't expect them to come into a porn store.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">On the upside, it does help break-up my shift.</span></div>Jizzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15489947250744447311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2767749254355137262.post-68148646997874758162012-05-01T10:12:00.002-05:002012-05-01T10:12:21.266-05:00The Jizzmopper Chronicles Phase II - Legitimate Porn<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">Well here we are again…</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">I’m back working at an adult bookstore. This time in Minneapolis.<br />
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For those of you just joining the blog, I spent the majority of my college
career at Minnesota State University, Mankato working at a creepy porn/head
store on the edge of town. I started out on overnights and eventually worked my
way up to Assistant Manager. For the most part, it was amusing. Once I became
Assistant Manager, I worked 3 days on, 3 days off and made more there than my
first two “professional” jobs after I graduated from college.<br />
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This time, I’m working at a newly-built adult bookstore to raise extra cash for my
upcoming wedding and to give me some more life experience to write about. It’s
not a sleazy store with guys jerking off to porn in the video booths and toothless, meth
heads coming into buy glass pipes. This is a couple’s friendly, “legitimate
business” stationed in a mini-mall at the edge of a suburb. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">You might think that working here would be a lot less amusing and tame than working at a cum-soaked whack shack, but you’d be wrong. People
are much more likely to open up to me here and I learn about bedroom antics from
all walks of life. (It’s also caused me to wonder if my mailman is wearing a locked-on butt-plug under his pants as he makes his daily rounds.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">I’ll be posting amusing anecdotes and
things I feel the need to rant about. I’m currently working on turning these
stories into a book, so stay tuned for more information.<br />
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Happy reading!<o:p></o:p></span></div>Jizzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15489947250744447311noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2767749254355137262.post-11643214882286099172012-04-24T13:34:00.001-05:002012-04-24T13:34:29.323-05:00A lesson in love...<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">I expected to meet
a lot of new people when I started posting these stories online and promoting
the blog through Twitter. What I didn’t expect was to learn so much about other
people’s lifestyles and sexual interests. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">I’ve written a
lot about fetishes and about how I really don’t care what people are into as
long as it isn’t hurting anyone. But I found that the more I learned about
different fetishes and lifestyles, the more I wanted to know and more questions
I had.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">Fortunately,
there have been a number of very patient people who have taken the time to
answer some of my questions via Twitter and email. I am thankful to these
teachers who gave me some true insight into a different world. They’re probably
tired of explaining their interests to others or perhaps gave me a little
window into a part of their lives that they don’t share with most friends and
family.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">My burning
question involved asking how people are able to live a dedicated BDSM
lifestyle. This is something that I’ve wondered about ever since I saw the, “Bring
out the gimp,” scene in Pulp Fiction.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">I’m something of
a realist when it comes to fantasies. I’m the one who’s always finding plot
holes and asking questions like, “Why didn’t Cinderella’s glass slipper change
back to rags like the rest of her clothes?” Additionally, as a new parent, I’ve
seen just how thin patience and humor can be stretched when you’re
sleep-deprived and pressed for time.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">Knowing this,
how the hell can a couple be dom/sub all the time?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">I’m very grateful
that the first response about this wasn’t, “Couples do it when they can, just
like anything else asshole!” But after the first email, a lot of things started
to make sense. The “real-world” has a way of limiting the amount of time anyone
can spend on their passion, whatever it may be. Couples with children who are
also into BDSM often save their play for evenings when they can be alone in the
bedroom. If Master started trying to enforce commands that involved doing the
dishes and getting lunch boxes filled, the fantasy would completely disappear
rather rapidly.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">Someone else
said, “You’re a Star Wars enthusiast right? While I’m sure you’d like nothing
more than watching the movies and reading the books during your spare time, you
probably don’t get to. So what do you do? You spend time on this interest when
you can!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">Another
excellent point was that many people online have specific Twitter accounts or
websites dedicated to their fetish interests. To an outsider such as myself, it
looks like they do nothing but have crazy, wild sex all day long and that they’re
a complete devotee to this kink. But the reality is that this is a “normal”
everyday person who no one would ever suspect is into anything kinky, spending
their free moments writing about their secret passion.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">And let’s not
forget that not everyone online is always telling the truth.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">This was a good
learning experience for me. Since I had been exposed to the sides of many
peoples’ personalities that they normally hide, I assumed that these folks
spent all their time kinking it up. In all honesty, these people could be my
neighbors, coworkers, even close friends and I would never know. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">Follow your
bliss people. I just hope that after taking care of your kids and sleeping, you’re
able to find enough time for both work… and play.<o:p></o:p></span></div>Jizzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15489947250744447311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2767749254355137262.post-56329652335634059302012-04-22T10:39:00.001-05:002012-04-22T10:39:19.004-05:00And now it's time...<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">All good things
must come to an end and we’re getting to the part of the Jizzmopper Chronicles
where I graduate from Minnesota State University, Mankato, quit the porn store
and move to Phoenix. The parent company of the store didn’t have the need for a
full-time marketing and communications employee (despite the fact that they
were pleased with the ads I had created for the store) and I was getting sick of
retail, so I quit.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">The events that
have taken place in this blog so far actually took place between 1998 and 2001,
but are written as current because I think they’re more interesting this way.
Besides, everyone loves nostalgia. Just look at Etsy.com!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">Phase II of the
Jizzmopper Chronicles will cover the second time I worked at a porn store. This
time it was at a mini-mall, couple-friendly, suburbia-appropriate store that
had fall less cum on the floor, but just as much creepiness. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">I was no longer a bored college student. I was working a second job during evenings and weekends to save up money for my upcoming wedding.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">In some ways,
this store was even stranger than the "whack-shack." In a more comfortable setting, customers are much
more likely to ask for your help. This is cool for the most-part, but they’re also much more
likely to start telling you intimate details about their health
and sex-life that you’d rather not know about.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">One woman spent
an hour on the phone telling me about how her first husband raped her, and then
came into the store to tell the whole story again in person. Old men loved to
tell me about their inability to achieve erection without one of our elaborate
devices or expensive, placebo sex pills. Underage teenagers tried to come in
the store all the time and those that were 18 often attempted to pay with a
relative’s credit card. (Anyone in retail has probably noticed the disturbing trend of adult children paying with parent's credit cards. But it's one thing when this happens at the grocery store, it's quite another when it's to buy a vibrating butt-plug.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">Anyway, since
things are moving forward, I wanted to invite readers to send in any more
questions or comments about the Mankato store before I start posting about the
new store. I can always comment on either store, but I want to make sure I
collect your thoughts before you forget about any burning queries concerning video
booths, jizzmopping or meth pipes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">Thanks again for
taking the time to read my sick, little blog!<o:p></o:p></span></div>Jizzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15489947250744447311noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2767749254355137262.post-37388456534087460562012-04-20T13:45:00.003-05:002012-04-20T19:54:48.102-05:00Exposing yourself at the porn store…<br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">When I first
began college, I was a theater major for my first semester. Eventually, I
decided that I didn’t want to spend four years training for something that I
could audition for without a degree and switched over to mass communications.
But this first semester introduced me to a lot of different people, different lifestyles and taught
me a lot about the world of theater.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">Yesterday, a
former theater classmate came into the store and bought some gay videos. He acted like
he didn’t know me, which kind of bothered me since we had performed a scene
together for our Friday morning acting class. (It was a theatrical reworking of
the scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent accidentally blows Marvin’s head off in
their car. And it was awesome!) After he left, and I thought more about the situation and suddenly
realized how uncomfortable it must have been for him.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">Buying anything
at the porn store completely exposes a large portion of yourself that most people
would rather stay hidden. Now, I’ve written a lot about messing with people who
were uncomfortable in the store, but this is only because they’re acting
uncomfortable about something I feel they should be relaxed with. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">When a customer
buys something like gay pornography, they’re essentially coming out to a
stranger. Who knows if they’re still in the closet or if they’re terrified of
recognizing the person behind the counter. Mankato is a small town and even in
the college community, word travels fast.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">This gave me a
new appreciation for people who buy certain items at the store. I’ve always
shown customers buying gay porn the utmost respect. I figure they put up
with enough shit in their lives without me being a smart ass. This respect has
been expanded to people who buy bondage gear and lingerie. The purchase could
be for a side of their personality that only a select few (or no one) know
about.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><a href="http://www.jmopper.com/2012/03/church-visits-porn-store.html" target="_blank">The same church that drove through our parking lot while preaching threw a megaphone</a> has also
been spotted camping out in the parking lot across the street with binoculars,
checking out who was coming into the store and writing down license plate
numbers. I’d never be involved with a church that performed such a blatant
invasion of privacy, but this act is despicable no matter how you look at it.
Don’t they have anything better to do with their time than obsessing over what
helps people achieve an orgasm?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">I know Jesus
doesn’t mention homosexuality, bondage, cross-dressing or huffing video head
cleaner in the gospels, but I like to believe he’d be cool with it as long as
it was consensual. I also like to imagine St. Peter at the gates of heaven
stopping the people from Westboro Baptist Church (the God Hates Fags people) and saying, “Haven’t you guys read the new testament?”
Before pulling the switch that sends them down to an eternity more fitting of
their behavior. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">My hat is off to
all of you who buy anything from porn stores that you want to keep private.
Yes, the internet has made ordering a lot of these items anonymously a lot
easier, but I would make sure you give your postal carrier a decent tip over
the holidays.</span></div>Jizzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15489947250744447311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2767749254355137262.post-54171821913207068112012-04-19T13:09:00.004-05:002012-04-19T13:09:43.899-05:00What is obscene?<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">A discussion
with my Mass Communications Law professor got me thinking deeply about my
personal beliefs and values.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">We were studying
landmark cases that involved journalism, communication and freedom of speech.
Her main point about a particular case is that sometimes things aren’t seen as obscene and made illegal
until they’ve been brought in front of a court of law. This also works in the
opposite direction. Sometimes laws are unconstitutional and things are banned, but they need to be challenged all the way to the Supreme Court of the United States for the
law to be thrown out.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">One section of
the class was focused on pornography and obscenity. Usually, these cases
involved artwork or literature, but as we moved closer to the present day, they
started to involve pornography. Books and pieces of art could be around for
years before someone decided to challenge them as obscene. Magazines and movies
could float around in the underground for quite a long time before someone gets
arrested and charged with anything.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">Technically
speaking, for something to be declared as art, it needs to serve some
productive purpose for society, and this can be a very tricky thing to prove. Additionally,
as social norms evolve, something that is commonplace today could be seen as
completely obscene in the past.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">Her statement
that caught my attention was, <b><i>“Are there things being sold at the porn store on
the edge of town that are obscene? Of course there are, they just haven’t been
challenged in court yet.”</i></b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">She knows I work
at the store and will sometimes toss in references just to get my attention.
This didn’t bother me, but her statement made me realize that I don’t think
anything that isn’t hurting someone is obscene. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">I’ve made peace with
the fact that if I had been born in most other historical eras, I would most
certainly be put to death. Lucky as I am to be living in our modern,
open-minded era, I can honestly say that the only thing that offends me is when
other people are offended.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">I don’t think
that <b>ANYTHING</b> is above criticism or satire. This goes for everything from
government and public figures to religions and so-called profits. Obviously,
you don’t want to be an asshole, but to be offended at a legitimate questioning
of something you believe in shows insecurity. We still live in a world
where people are threatened with death after offending someone’s religion, so there must be a lot of insecure people out there.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">My feelings are
similar towards porn. Yes there are valid arguments against exposing children
to pornography and there are dangers of becoming obsessed with it because the
lines of reality can start to blur, but we don’t ban alcohol simply because there are
alcoholics. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">Yesterday’s post
about strange fetishes discussed how strange some peoples’ sex lives can be,
but no one is forcing anyone to watch their personal life or their choice in porn. If gay porn grosses you out, don’t watch
it. If gang-bangs creep you out, don’t participate in them and certainly don’t
watch porn that features this sexual act. If you feel scat-play is disgusting,
send the link to 2-Girls-One-Cup to your buddies, but don’t actually go to the
website yourself.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">I’m a little
jaded and certainly desensitized, but the idea of calling something obscene and
attempting to ban it seems pointless. Any media will be judged by the eye of
the beholder and there is always going to be someone who hates everything.
Leaving the decision up to politicians and judges does not strike me as a good
idea. (Any decision they make will be the one that they think will look best to
their constituents, not based on how they actually feel. Besides, they’ll be
able to buy all the sick shit they want through the black-market anyway.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">I’ll post the
question to you; <b>Is there anything you consider obscene?</b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">Post below,
tweet to @jizzchronicles or email to jizz_mopperhhh at hotmail.com <o:p></o:p></span></div>Jizzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15489947250744447311noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2767749254355137262.post-24301044201477419822012-04-17T13:13:00.001-05:002012-04-17T13:13:16.470-05:00Snowballing, space docking and other weird shit…<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">If you’re
familiar with this blog, you know I try really hard not to judge people.
Sure I’ll laugh at you and write up lengthy posts about your bizarre behavior,
but if what you’re doing isn’t hurting anyone else, I say go for it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">Thanks to the
porn store, and also the internet, I’ve learned about some really crazy
fetishes. I’m really open-minded about sex and am open to trying just about
anything once, but I can honestly say there’s not one particular act or focus
that only turns me on. Lots of things turn me on, but I don’t need to be tied up
and called a sissy in order to get an erection.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">I don’t expect everyone
with particular fetishes is absolutely obsessed with it and can only perform
when they experience this particular thing, but there are people who are into things
that even I think are kind of odd.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><b>#1. Snowballing –
</b>This isn’t really that strange and I can’t say I’m completely opposed to it.
The problem is that when you’re in the throws of passion, a lot of things sound
really hot at the time. I can’t count the number of times I’ve collapsed after
ejaculating, so glad that I didn’t act on my impulse to finish by throwing
my robe on like a cape and screaming, “Hong-Kong-Phooey,” before emptying into
my wife. (She will be mortified when she reads this section.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">I feel that
snowballing would be a similar situation. While receiving a deep, erotic blow
job, it might sound like a good idea to share your semen during a long,
post-ejaculation kiss with your lover. But as soon as you cum, I’ll bet this
incredibly hot idea no longer seems as erotic and you’re in for a big surprise.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><b>#2 Space Docking
–</b> I have no idea if people actually do this, but the amount of content on the
internet dedicated to this topic suggests it at least turns certain people on. Briefly,
space docking is when someone shits into another woman’s vagina. (There are a
billion other variations and arguments about what “true” space docking is, but
I’ll leave that for you to Google yourself.) <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">I’m not into
watersports or scat play, nor have I spoken to anyone who is, but space docking
takes this to a completely new level. I find myself wondering what horrific
childhood experience would cause someone to find feces being expelled from a
vagina attractive. Then there are the hygienic aspects of this act. (Can you even douche out poop?)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">#3 Cock Stuffing
– I’m not sure why anyone would have the urge to put anything up inside their
penis, but there are devices dedicated to this practice. Personally, I’d be
worried about losing the foreign object up inside my bladder and an embarrassing
trip to the urologist. Not to mention the possibility of infection and severe
damage to your urethral tract.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">There are a
million other things out there that people are into and it’s impossible to even
begin to delve into them. So I’ll leave you with these questions:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<ul style="margin-top: 0in;" type="disc">
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">Are
you into anything you consider weird?</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">Why do you think you like it?</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">What’s
the strangest sexual act you’ve ever participated in?</span></li>
</ul>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">I’ll leave you
to decide whether to post, email or tweet me your answers. <o:p></o:p></span></div>Jizzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15489947250744447311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2767749254355137262.post-54327111995855073632012-04-13T14:05:00.001-05:002012-04-13T14:23:03.950-05:00Awkward...<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">One of the great
things about being a porn store clerk is that you always have a little
something over your customers. As confident as they are about buying porn or
sexual products, there’s at least a tiny bit of them that’s embarrassed about the
purchase. Because of this, customers are less-likely to complain than in other
retail industries and you can fuck with those who are really uncomfortable
about being in the store.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">Since this is a
porn store, and we expect people to purchase sexual related products, embarrassing
customers isn’t quite as easy as if I worked at a novelty store like Spencer’s
Gifts (where they sell a small number of sex items and a whole shitload of
other useless crap.) While I was in high school, a friend of mine worked at the local
Spencer’s inside a mall. He worked there for three years and only had one
person come up to the counter with a vibrator. The poor woman was beet red as
she tried to discreetly set a vibrator and small bottle of lube onto the
counter. Ever the salesman, he smiled and said loudly, “Would you like
batteries for your purchase?” This caused the mortified woman to run out of the
store and he was forced to put the dusty vibrator box back on the shelf.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">More often than
not, I was able to mess with stoned customers rather than ones worried about
buying pornography. Screwing around with someone stoned out of their gourd
would always put me in a good mood and I had several favorite methods I liked
to use:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<ul style="margin-top: 0in;" type="disc">
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">Loud-Quiet-Loud
– In this case, I would ring up the customer, start saying the price in a
loud, clear voice, only to mumble the amount of change necessary for the purchase.
For this trick to work, you need to prepare by turning the price display
of the cash register away from the customer, though some are so dazzled by
the well-lit fluorescence of the store, they couldn’t read the numbers
anyway.<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">Bo-Waterpipe
– Most customers coming into the store know what they can (and can’t) say
that won’t get them kicked out of the store. Technically, we sell Water-Cooled
Tobacco Pipes, not bongs. Inevitably, a customer would forget and ask to
see one of the, “Bo..waterpipes,” on the top shelf. When this happened, I
would give them a severe look and ask in my most serious tone, “What’s a
bo-waterpipe?”<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">No
– Some of the regular customers were really bad at asserting themselves
and seemed to be in a constant state of massive paranoia whenever they
came into the store. When these customers would ask to see something, I’d
simply tell them, “No.” An awkward silence would follow until they decided
I was joking, give me a slight smile and I’d glower back at them. (I only
kept this up long enough once for the customer to actually leave the store
without buying anything.)<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">Good
Cop – Despite the fact that it's complete bullshit, there are number of
people who believe an undercover cop must tell you that he or she is
with the police if you ask. (If this were true, so many classic movies
would have been over within the first 10 minutes.) Whenever these
misguided souls would ask me this question, I’d always assure them I was a
cop and that I liked porn, so this was a great undercover gig for me.
(This did cause one of the regular meth-pipe customers to turn and walk
straight out of the store, never to be seen again.)<o:p></o:p></span></li>
</ul>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">I wasn't much more
delicate when dealing with an embarrassed porn customer. If it was a single guy
buying a magazine or video, anything was fair game, but I always tried to put
couples and female customers at ease. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">My general line
when a sweaty, insecure male customer brought a movie up to the counter was an
incredibly loud, “Oh Shit! This one is fucking awesome!” I’d turn around, find
the tape on the wall of thousands of filed VHS tapes and then slide it into our
store TV/VCR player so I could show him my favorite parts. I would wait for at
least three, “That’s okay,” pleads before I took the tape out and sold it to
him.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">When the embarrassed
customer was dressed like a jock, I’d grab the tape and as I was loading it
into the case, just about to ring it into the register, I’d say, “You know this
has gay sex in it.” Then I’d watch the guy’s eyes widen until they were about
at his eyebrows and say, “Nah, just kidding,” and ring him up really fast.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">*Note, I never
fucked with customers buying gay porn, even if they were embarrassed about it.
I always figured they received enough harassment in their everyday lives
without me messing with them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">One thing I
couldn’t stand customers buying way Playboy magazine. While it’s not bad
reading material (despite the classic joke), it’s completely useless as porn.
In each issue, there are only three, heavily airbrushed, pictorials of women
who look like they came straight out of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition.
I know some guys actually like this type of porn, but they should really pick
up a Hustler or a Gallery to get the most out of their money.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">If a shy
customer came up with a Playboy, I’d hold it up in front of my eyes and say, “Nooooooooo,
you don’t want this.” Then I’d come around the counter and walk him back to the
magazine shelves to give him my, loud and obnoxious, expert opinion.
During this consultation, I’d ask all sorts of embarrassing questions about
what parts of a woman he most admired. Then I’d tell him all about the magazine’s
that I liked to masturbate to (usually picking the most unusual and fetish-based
magazine I could find.) <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">Nine times out
of ten, after my giant display of assistance, they’d end up buying the Playboy
anyway.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">Let’s be honest,
working retail kind of sucks. You need to do a little something to make the
hours go by. I’d like to say I’m sorry for messing with these customers, but I’m not.<o:p></o:p></span></div>Jizzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15489947250744447311noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2767749254355137262.post-64721756116120921582012-04-11T14:13:00.003-05:002012-04-11T14:13:30.112-05:00Ask Jizz 4.11.2012 - What bugs you the most as a Jizzmopper?<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">Today's question comes via a friend on Facebook:</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><a href="https://www.facebook.com/pages/Jizzmopper-Chronicles/370768849600920" target="_blank">(Did you know you can Like the Jizzmopper Chronicles on Facebook by clicking here?)</a></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><i><b>What bugged you most when you worked at the porn store?</b></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">With so many
annoyances to choose from (shoplifters, prank calls, people trying to screw
each other in the video booths), it may surprise you that the thing that
bothered me the most was when people tried to bring their children into the
store.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">This happened
all the time and some parents got really angry when I wouldn’t allow their kids into
the store. To be fair, some did ask if it was okay as they walked into the
store, but some people were halfway to the double-headed dildos before I was
able to stop their group and escort them out of the store. It’s one thing to not know
kids weren’t allowed (if you're a moron), but it’s another to get offended and mad because I won’t
let your six-year-old hang out in a store that sells ball gags.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">The customers
that really got to me were the ones coming in with their kids to buy drug paraphernalia.
I’m not particularly judgmental about casual drug use, but I don’t think you
should be relaxing with a joint while your kid is sitting in the back seat. I
found myself legitimately concerned for the safety of the kids whose fathers
felt the need to stop into the store and pick up a onie on their way
back from daycare. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">These customers
are the ones who would get the most offended when I asked them to leave. They’d say things like, “Can’t I
just buy some papers,” or, “He’s so young, he can’t understand anything anyway.”
In certain cases, they’d bring their kids back out to the car to wait while their parent came back inside to buy a bong.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">I want to make
sure everyone understands this, so I’ll say it again. <b>SOME PARENTS WOULD LEAVE
THEIR KIDS ALONE IN AN UNLOCKED CAR PARKED IN A PORN STORE PARKING LOT SO THEY COULD BUY
A NEW PIPE! </b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">Even all these
years later, just thinking about this pisses me off. I wouldn’t sell to the parents
when they came back in, which usually just pissed them off more. But fuck it. If they can’t take care of a child properly, how the hell are they supposed to
appropriately operate fire and a pipe?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">My behavior was completely
supported by the owner. He was okay with selling smoking supplies, but
considered smoking anything to be disgusting and a sign of weakness. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">Bringing kids
into the store was not quite as common when I worked at the couples-friendly
mini-mall store, but it still happened. Usually the parent would suddenly
realize they just brought their child into a porn store and apologized while
leaving (why they didn’t expect this when they saw the lingerie-clad, large-chested mannequin
in the window is beyond me.) One customer even tried sending his kid in with dvd
rental returns, which resulted in him losing his rental privileges.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"> I’m a very open-minded person, but I also feel
that we should try to allow children to have the longest childhood possible.
Kids grow up so fast these days anyway; I don’t think it’s appropriate to
confuse them more by adding pornography into the mix. (I do, however, feel that
it’s every parent’s responsibility to teach their children about sex before
they learn about it from school or their friends.) <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">My takeaway is
this; if you’re going to buy porn, sex devises, lingerie or pipes, do it
without your child.<o:p></o:p></span></div>Jizzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15489947250744447311noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2767749254355137262.post-22287672579861945432012-04-10T13:59:00.000-05:002012-04-10T13:59:02.576-05:00No returns means; No returns!<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><i>*Editor’s note,
the action in this entry is taking place in 1999.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">For reasons that
should be fairly obvious, we do not accept returns at the porn store. We will
exchange defective tapes that are returned, with a receipt, within a week from
the original purchase date. (We’re required to test any returned tapes and if
the defective tape works in our shitty TV/VCR combo machine, there’s no
exchange.) Otherwise, we don’t allow customers to return anything. We test all
the devices that vibrate before they leave the store and, in addition to the
large signs posted all around the store, explain to every customer that the
store offers no returns.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">But this doesn’t
stop people from trying. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">I can’t tell you
how many times someone has come in with a defective vibrator and set the package,
pubes and all, on the glass counter. In one case, a customer tried to return an
anal vibrator that I’m fairly sure still had blood and shit on it. (Thankfully,
everything was still in a plastic bag and after he left it on the counter, vowing to
never shop here again, I was able to just toss the whole disgusting sack into the garbage.) <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">Attempted
returns are particularly amusing when they involve one of our smoking
accessories. Glass, metal and plastic pipes still reeking of pot have been set
under my nose by irritated (and stoned) customers who felt the product had
failed in some way or another.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">These customers
are easy to get out of the store. All I need to do is say, “That burned residue
looks suspicious. By law, I need to hand this over to the Mankato police
department with the customer’s name, telephone number and address.” I don’t have to give the police anything,
but it’s hilarious to see their eyes stretch open wide and grab their defective
pipe as they mumble, “nevermind,” while bolting out of the store.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">One customer
almost bled to death when he tried to return a glass “incense” (aka meth) pipe
that he had purchased from store less than an hour previously. He didn’t want a
bag when he bought the fragile pipe and was now holding the shattered
remains of glass in his bare hands. He got mad when I told him we didn’t take
returns and I suddenly noticed he was bleeding as he squeezed his broken glass-filled
fists in anger. Thankfully, he didn’t bleed on the floor or get any blood on
the door, but as I watched him walk away from the store, I saw his grey hooded
sweatshirt sleeves darken with what I assume was his blood.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">One, deeply embarrassed
customer tried to exchange a bi-sexual video because he didn’t realize it
included men having sex with men. I found this hard to believe as the bi videos
are kept on the same shelves as our man-on-man videos in a completely
different area as the straight videos. My suspicions became stronger when I saw
that the cover of the video in question featured two men French-kissing while a
busty actress attempted to finger their assholes. I pointed this out to the
customer, he stuttered something I couldn’t understand and slunk out after I
said, “Sorry, no returns.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">I don’t like
getting ripped off any more than anyone else, but when you’re purchasing
novelties at an adult bookstore, there has to be a certain amount of “oh well”
when the product breaks. Every store I’ve ever been to has a strict “No Return”
policy and when an establishment is selling products that either cover or go
into your genitals, this seems fair. Unfortunately, not everyone appears to
have this commerce common sense.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">Some people are
downright stupid.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">I had a ragged
looking woman try to turn in a winning lottery ticket during one of my overnight
shifts. When I told her we didn’t sell, nor reward lottery tickets, she
objected by stating she had bought the ticket here just last week. She mumbled
irritated phrases to herself as she left the store without her ticket. When I
examined her "winning" ticket, I discovered it was really a Super America gas
station receipt. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">Once I got to
know the products better, I became better at suggesting what vibrators lasted
and the ones customers were more-likely to enjoy. Most of the time, this involves
spending a lot more money. Some customers are cheap and end up buying a $20 piece of shit that looks like it was put together
by a blind monkey. In several instances, I’ve had customers come back into the
store to buy my higher-priced suggestion after they went home with the cheaper
alternative and learned it only vibrated for 2 minutes before exploding.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">My advice for
customers: Do your research online. Find out what’s available, what people are
saying and then match your needs with the right product. Paying $150 for a quality
vibrator that will last for years is a hell of a lot better than losing a piece
of plastic up your wife’s vagina because you bought the cheaper version made by
a company in Thailand. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">Also, if you ask
the clerk for help, take their suggestions to heart. We deal with these
products all the time and can usually give some great insight if you’re
comfortable with opening up to us a little bit. We’re going to make fun of you
regardless, so you may as well let us help you find the right product. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">And if you do
buy something that’s been shoved inside you that breaks. Write a letter to the manufacturer
with the product’s UPC or serial number. (DO NOT SEND THEM YOUR USED VIBRATOR!)
You’re much more likely to get a new vibrator and letter of apology from
California Exotics than you are from Jimbo, the overnight-stoner-burnout-clerk.<o:p></o:p></span></div>Jizzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15489947250744447311noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2767749254355137262.post-65335600675229079272012-04-09T13:12:00.001-05:002012-04-09T13:12:17.030-05:00We're not fucking Blockbuster...<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">(Or another
reason why you should fuck with porn store clerks.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">Move rentals at
porn stores are always a pain in the ass and I often wonder why owners and
managers bother to put up with the complicated process. There is no convenient
computer system with membership cards and barcode scanners. In every porn store
I’ve been to, they require the renter to secure the price of the rented movies
on their card before charging $5+ per movie, per-night. This way, if the movie isn't returned, the store can simply run the charge on the card permanently. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">It’s an
obnoxious process that takes forever because you always have to explain what
you’re doing to the customer, who then has to decide if they really want to hand
over their credit card to be temporarily charged. We only have a handful of repeat renters, so every time
someone wants to rent, I have to explain why I need to swipe their cards
multiple times and reassure the customer that the charge will not appear on their
monthly statement if they return the movies within a week.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">Recently, the
owner decided that if movies were more than five days overdue, we’d simply
charge the credit card and be done with it. But we used to be required to call customers with overdue movies at least once a day until the overdue movies
were returned.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">I hated doing
this and turned it into something of a game to amuse myself. The dumbasses that
left a work number as their contact ALWAYS received several phone calls per
evening until they brought back the movies. This was particularly fun working the
evening shift as after 7 p.m., I was sure to get voicemail, so the clerks
working would take turns calling and leaving messages in different voices. We
were also particularly careful to mention the titles of each late movie
multiple times during the message. (It's fun saying <i>Cocksuckers 19 </i>in a fake British accent.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">This resulted in multiple occasions of movies being thrown at me when customers finally came in to return their overdue rentals.
During one of my nights off, a particularly irate customer bitched out the
evening clerk for 20 minutes because our phone calls got him fired from his
custodial position. (I’m not positive, but my guess is he was the customer who
left his Christian Youth Group employer's phone number as his contact.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">I'm not heartless. I never left a
message if a child answered and when it sounded like a spouse had answered, I
kept the message very matter-of-fact. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">The most amusing
late-rental episode occurred when we realized two brothers with 10 overdue movies between the two of them were both working at the same AAMCO station down the street. I discovered that
their phone went automatically to voicemail at 5 p.m. so it was easy to leave
multiple messages throughout the night. I’m sure owner was amused to hear six
messages a night from different clerks requesting that Danny and Donnie return
<i>Cum Sucking Sluts 15,</i> <i>Yum Yum We Love Cum</i> and eight other colorful movie titles before the end of the week.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">You can tell a
lot about someone by the porn they rent. I’m sure bosses around Mankato loved
learning that their accounting manager had five transsexual midget movies
overdue. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">Sure, these
messages could get someone fired, but the customers really shouldn’t have listed a work
phone number in their contact info for renting a porno movie. And if they don’t
get fired, their boss will know what to get them for a Christmas bonus. <o:p></o:p></span></div>Jizzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15489947250744447311noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2767749254355137262.post-7848900537161158702012-04-05T13:24:00.003-05:002012-04-05T13:24:28.540-05:00Jizz around the world…<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">I’d like to take
a moment away from my stories about the creepy Mankato whack shack to talk a
little about other porn stores. I’m kind of the “porn expert” within my social
network, but have really only been to a handful of other stores.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">From my experience,
I can say that around the United States, porn stores are pretty much the same.
They range from disgusting places you’d never want to visit to incredibly
upscale places that have an atmosphere more appropriate for jewelry than
dildos. </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">You can usually
get a feel for the store just by driving past the parking lot. If the store has
windows, chances are it’s more of an upscale, couple’s store. If the parking
lot is filled with rusted out, windowless vans covered with 70s fantasy murals…
just keep on driving.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">My international
porn store experience took place while I was living in Seoul, South Korea,
teaching rich kindergarteners how to speak English. (I’ll wait while you make
your jokes about a Jizzmopper being allowed to teach a classroom full of children.) This time of my life
was focused on drinking, hashing (<a href="http://www.jmopper.com/2012/03/jizzmopper-origins.html" target="_blank">see previous entry</a>) and not much else.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">Korea was interesting
because, like Japan, it has huge Lolita fetish bubbling just under the surface
of its society and any nudity in the media is blurred out. I thought it was
hilarious that a country that had prostitution readily available wouldn’t allow
adults to purchase magazines or videos of nude people without penises and
vaginas pixelated out.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">From what I understand,
prostitution is illegal in Korea, but generally not prosecuted and is something
most people just accept. There were even red-light districts with the workers displayed
in glass windows for all to see. (They didn’t service any Westerners. AIDS is
seen as a foreigner problem, so to protect themselves, sex workers in the
red-light districts only work with fellow Koreans.) <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">While I was there,
and several times since, the police implemented special initiatives to crackdown on the sex industry in Seoul. They accomplished this by listing a very
specific time frame that they would be walking through the known sex districts
and arresting anyone suspected of prostitution. Once this program was
completed, things would pretty much go back to normal.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">From my
perspective, I saw this crackdown as something the police felt pressured into
doing by conservative groups and the fact that they announced the dates they’d
be enforcing this program showed they weren’t very serious about it. However,
the sex industry saw this as an attack and fought back hard. Thousands of sex workers and their supporters protested at the capital and demanded this
harassment end. The grounds of the capital became a sea of people as they sat
in non-violent protest for weeks against what they saw was an unjust action. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">Support for the
sex industry came from all over. Amnesty International and a large number of
women’s rights groups provided financial and political support. The ACLU sent a
delegation and spoke in front of the capital during one of the most heavily
attended rallies of the protest. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">But the most
unexpected (at least for me) support came from the Korean Men’s League. They
appealed directly to lawmakers to stop their attack against the sex industry
and revoke all anti-prostitution laws. They argued that if prostitution was
illegal, many young men who were serving in the army (which is required of all male, Korean citizens) would become depressed an inefficient soldiers. I
followed their efforts on the English Armed Forces Network and the
Korean Men’s League appeared sway quite a few lawmakers.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">Eventually, the
crackdown ended (precisely on the date they had announced it would) and everything did go
back to normal. The once empty red light booths were now filled with friendly
faces and Korean men were no longer in danger of developing depression.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">While the
running club ran through the red light district quite often, I can honestly say
I only went into one Korean sex shop. It was located in Itaewon, the
international district of Seoul located near the army base, and was well hidden
on the second floor of an alley storefront. A small group of us went in
together, unsure of what we’d find, but drunkenly enthusiastic at the same
time. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">We were disappointed
to find the small store almost empty of customers and products. There was a
small rack of foreign, plastic-wrapped magazines that were priced at $50 each
(my best guess is that they were Thai). There were a few, incredibly
cheap-looking dildos and vibrators that ranged in price from $80 to $550. I was
thrilled and ready to buy some items from the tiny bondage section, until I saw
the prices. My fantasies of how to utilize the eye-less gimp mask ended when I saw
they were charging $1,200 for something that would be available in the U.S. for
$50. They also had some scary looking whips and paddles, and I couldn’t help
but wonder who they were selling this hodgepodge of sexual items to. The store
probably wasn’t legal and had disappeared the next time I walked through the
area.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">To put this all
into perspective, the country that doesn’t allow frontal nudity is filled with
arcades that feature animated nudity and sex scenes. You can easily pay for a
blow job, but it’s illegal to sell or buy a pocket pussy. You can get 30 years
in prison for getting caught with a joint, but alcoholism is a completely
accepted social norm.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">I expect all of this
is less of an issue now that we have the internet to beam all manner of
pornography to anyone with a high-speed router, but I still find myself
thinking about the strange sexual social customs in Korea. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">Even a
Jizzmopper can be shocked.<o:p></o:p></span></div>Jizzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15489947250744447311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2767749254355137262.post-70202283045345955542012-04-03T14:38:00.002-05:002012-04-03T14:39:18.247-05:00Bill’s even more of an asshole as a non-manager…<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">The rise and
fall of Bill Cook volume IV.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">For those of you
who haven’t read the other entries about this fascinating and disgusting man,
here are quick links to my previous posts about Bill.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><a href="http://www.jmopper.com/2012/01/bill-introduction.html" target="_blank">Bill, an Introduction</a></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><a href="http://www.jmopper.com/2012/02/youve-got-to-be-fucking-kidding-me.html" target="_blank">You’ve Got To BeFucking Kidding Me - Bill is Made Manager</a></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><a href="http://www.jmopper.com/2012/02/bill-decides-to-lose-weight.html" target="_blank">Bill Decides toLose Weight</a></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><a href="http://www.jmopper.com/2012/02/bill-intervention-im-made-assistant.html" target="_blank">The BillIntervention – I’m Made Assistant Manager</a></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">(Now that you’re
caught up, here’s the end of the story.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">As I had
expected, Bill didn’t take his demotion away from manager well. He was told about the new arrangement
with me and another clerk as the store’s new management. They gave him the rest of the weekend off and told him to come in on Monday to hand over his keys and duties. As
assistant manager, I would be instructed on any new duties or responsibilities
by Bill, after things had settled down.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">Unfortunately, they never did.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">Bill pulled a
complete 180 with his behavior at work and his opinion of the owners. Instead
of being the ideal employee that just complained about his coworkers and constantly kissed the owner's ass, he was
now complaining about everyone and not completing the modest duties that were
his responsibility as a clerk.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">When he ‘trained’
me how to order merchandise from the catalog, he essentially showed me the page
numbers for all the products we carry at the store. He felt the need to explain
that some prices were higher than others and that these higher priced items
didn’t sell as fast. He also said that if I didn’t learn the ropes quickly, he’d
be back as manager before I knew it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">After he handed
over his keys and the combination to the store’s safe was changed, he spent his
shifts bitching about his coworkers to customers and sitting on his butt. The few times I worked alongside
Bill were spent in awkward silence as he overtly ignored my presence. Even my suggestions to order Godfather's Pizza were ignored!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">I’m sure he
feels betrayed. Bill was always paranoid that everyone else at the stores was
gunning after his job as manager. Now that he was ousted, he probably thinks
that we had been planning this coup for months and that everyone else at the
store was reveling in his failure.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">It’s true that
all of the clerks wanted Bill removed as manager, but it wasn’t personal. At
least we didn’t intend it to be. The owner wouldn’t have named another manager
if Bill hadn’t been performing incredibly poorly in his position. If Bill hadn’t
been such a prick to everyone, we may not have been so eager to talk to the
owner about why he needed to be replaced. We were all shocked that he
was named manager in the first place, so to think that there was a conspiracy
to get rid of him even before he was made manager is just insane.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">Eventually, Bill
succumbed to what he hated the most. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">He put in his
two-week notice to start a new career as a truck driver and we thought we had
heard the last about him. A week after he left, a nervous 19-year-old came in
to the store and asked if I gave the same deals the fat guy did. When I asked
what this special deal was, he explained that he picked out what he wanted in the pipe case, Bill would bring the stuff out to his car after his shift and sell everything for $100
cash. I said that the owner probably wouldn’t approve of this practice and
that he would probably be calling the store now that he heard us discussing
this over the security system. (The phone just happened to ring 30 seconds after I said this and I
pretended like the dead line was the owner.</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">)</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">It surprised me
that Bill would start stealing from the store, even though he felt completely
betrayed. More than anything, it was sad that he apparently tossed out all his
values as soon as he got mad enough. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">Several weeks
after that, the store started to receive faxes from a bank Bill was trying to
secure a $900,000 loan from. He was attempting to purchase a new semi truck and had said
that he earned $150,000 a year as manager of the store. (In reality, he earned $22,000 at the most!) I sent these sheets on to the
main office and listened to the touring manager laughing his ass off as he told
the story of how Bill called the owner and asked him to lie about how much he
earned at the store. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">They never charged Bill with theft, even though they had his back-door
transactions recorded, but the owner did threaten to charge him with everything
from larceny to harassment and trespassing if Bill ever called him again. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">I was reminded how similar this situation was to that of the last manager who was fired from the store and thought it was funny how
life goes in circles.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">I still wonder
what happened to Bill, but have been unable to find any information about him online. I wouldn’t
be surprised if he was dead, but every time I drive by an 18-wheeler on the freeway,
I look up with the slight hope that I’ll see Bill in the driver’s seat, pissed
that I must have tracked him down in his truck just to give him a hard time.<o:p></o:p></span></div>Jizzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15489947250744447311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2767749254355137262.post-48463064166382445212012-04-02T14:12:00.001-05:002012-04-02T14:13:17.122-05:00Spanish Fly, and other shit that doesn’t work…<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">This probably
doesn’t come as much of a surprise, but porn stores are a great example of the
adage, “People will buy anything.” This is fine for joke and novelty
purchases that customers don’t actually expect to do anything. Where it gets sad, is when (stupid) customers buy products expecting them
to accomplish something specific.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">The best example
of this is Spanish Fly. Cantharidin, the actual chemical obtained from blister
beetles and the active ingredient in Spanish Fly, is a strong blister agent and a poison. The concept behind giving a
woman Spanish Fly is that the chemical will cause areas in their vagina to
swell and that they’ll want to engage in sex to relieve this constant
irritation. (Totally hot, right?) People have died from taking real
Spanish Fly and thankfully it’s not allowed to be sold for non-medical use in
the United States. (That doesn’t mean you can’t get it, but the chance of
actually getting the real stuff in a $3.95 bottle of coconut flavored Spaznitch Flie at an adult bookstore is virtually non-existent.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">Knowing this, it
surprises me that there are a large number of male customers who regularly
purchase our novelty Spanish Fly, insisting that it works beautifully. One
regular explained how he just has to add the strawberry flavored Spanish Fly to
his special “leg-opener” cocktail (Bacardi 151, Malibu Rum and god knows what
else) and his date is certain to put out. My thought is that drunken date rape
is what’s really going on here, but he didn’t listen when I tried to
explain this.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">Another
non-effective product we sell a lot of is Herbal V (herbal Viagra.) It’s
probably unfair of me to say that this product isn’t effective. It certainly
could be and the repeat sales we have of this $79.95 bottle of 30 capsules would
suggest that it works. However, the ingredients listed on the back of the bottle are
vague at best and I think it’s absolutely insane to take an unregulated herbal supplement.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>*Author’s note:
I’ll write more about this when I’m telling tales from the next, mini-mall,
couple-friendly porn store, where cardiac patients were our most regular
herbal-love-concoction customers.</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">Herbal V could
be safe and effective, and these regular customers could have spoken with their
doctors before trying this product, but I doubt it. I don’t trust buying
condoms from this store and won’t even think about taking the pills in a bottle
labeled, “May cause dizziness and increased heart rate. Contact a physician
before use.” Let’s be honest, no one wants to die from taking counterfeit Viagra
when you could probably get it for a $10 co-pay if you had the balls to ask
your doctor for a prescription.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">The final
product I’d like to mention is the “Not-Yet” desensitizing cream. Unlike the
first two products I’ve written about, this cream absolutely does what it says it
will. From personal experience, I can attest that rubbing a quarter-sized
amount on your penis testicles will cause you to go numb from your bellybutton
to your knees. And while it does delay ejaculation (in theory), it also
prevents you from feeling any sexual pleasure. You could be dry
humping a car door for all the sensation you retain and, despite what you’ve
seen in porn videos, repeatedly blindly thumping into your partner will not
bring her to new levels of ecstasy. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">Worse yet, if
the cream hasn’t absorbed by the time you start rubbing against your partner,
her genitals will also go completely numb and you’ll find your passionate
evening replaced with a late night of watching reruns of Friends.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">Please know; I
share because I care.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">The moral of
this story is that no one should look to a porn store to purchase anything
medically effective. These things are novelties and they help you climax,
fantastic, but don’t rely on them. With current medical technology, you should
be talking to your doctor about your inability to achieve erection.
Your body must be a temple before it can be an amusement park and sexual
side-effects are usually a sign that something else in your body is not
operating efficiently.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">Why people seem
to be more comfortable discussing their sexual shortcomings with the slob
behind the pipe-counter than with their doctor is beyond me, but it keeps
happening. All I can do is be honest when they ask questions:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><b>Customer –</b> “Do
these horny goat weed pills actually do anything?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><b>Me –</b> “No.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><b>Customer – </b>“I’ll
take 5 packages.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><b>Me – </b>*Facepalm<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>Jizzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15489947250744447311noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2767749254355137262.post-64946679338948684902012-03-30T13:22:00.003-05:002012-03-30T13:22:53.854-05:00Jizzmopper Origins<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">Most people who
have found my blog and twitter feed quickly realize why I have the nickname
Jizzmopper, but what you might not know is that a lot of people called me Jizz
long before I started sharing these stories with the world.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">As far as I
know, Kevin Smith’s Clerks was the movie that brought the term Jizzmopper
into the mainstream. Since this movie came out in 1994, there was plenty of
time for people to add this word into their vocabulary before I started working
at the porn store in 1998. A few friends gave me a hard time for being a
Jizzmopper, but it didn’t stick as a nickname until I moved to Korea.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">When I was
teaching English in Seoul, I became involved with the Southside Hash House
Harriers, a drinking group with a running problem. We’d meet every Sunday at 10
a.m. to drink beer, sing dirty songs and run a trail laid by one of the “hares”.
On their sixth trail, new members are giving an incredibly inappropriate nickname. By this point, the
other members had talked with me enough to learn about my porn clerk past, so the
hash name Jizzmopper was almost a given. I did come dangerously close to being
nicknamed Whack Shack, and am glad that Jizzmopper came out as the winner.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">You’d be
surprised how quickly you can get used to being called Jizz. I have my nicknamed
embroidered on clothing and a sharp-eyed reader of this blog even found a
picture of the patch that was made in my honor when I moved away from Korea. (I can't find the link anymore, but I will post an image as soon as I can.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">I continued
being involved with the Hash House Harriers when I returned to the United States
and still attend trails set by the Minneapolis Hash House Harriers from time to
time. This has kept me comfortable with being referred to as Jizz and my wife
will even call me by this name in certain situations. (For more information
about the Minneapolis Hash House Harriers and hashing in general, check out <a href="http://www.minneapolish3.com/">www.minneapolish3.com</a>
or <a href="http://www.grhhh.com/">www.grhhh.com</a>).
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">Anyway, the
whole point of this post was to give you an idea of how long these stories have
been percolating in my mind and how long I’ve been known as Jizzmopper. It also
explains why there are three h’s in my email address.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">Hopefully it
gives you a little insight into my background and encourages you to ask more
questions about me. The Ask Jizz mailbag has been running dry lately. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><a href="mailto:jizz_mopperhhh@hotmail.com">jizz_mopperhhh@hotmail.com</a> or via Twitter @jizzchronicles<o:p></o:p></span></div>Jizzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15489947250744447311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2767749254355137262.post-57669185856861223142012-03-28T13:54:00.002-05:002012-03-28T13:54:24.947-05:00Reality check...<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">Since starting
this blog and connecting it to Twitter, I’ve been tremendously pleased with the
number of fantastic people that I’ve enjoyed connecting with and receiving
encouragement from. Just when I think I’m a little odd, my world view is thrown
open to reveal an entire population of delightful freaks I didn’t know existed. (Please
understand I use the term “freaks” with the utmost love and respect.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">The other day, I
posted a tweet asking people for seductive and erotic suggestions for me
to blog about. In return I would mention them in the Jizzmopper Chronicles and
be forever grateful. Only @VilenaPose and @LilyCrash9 participated, but they
did give me some great situations to start working from. However, I’m still a little
uncertain about the quality of my erotic fiction, so instead, I used these
ideas to examine how lines of reality can get blurred when working at a porn
store.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">When you
surround yourself with any environment, it will eventually start to seem
normal. Whether it’s the adult industry (porn stores, strip clubs, etc.) or
working in a bar (alcoholics, sleeping in until 3 p.m.), sooner or later this population of people will start to look
and feel like the norm. This isn’t always a bad thing. I’ve heard of (lucky) BDSM
couples who are able to commit full-time to their lifestyles. But when you’re
dealing with a section of the population that obsesses about pornography and
drugs, your world-view can get incredibly negative.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">While I’d love
to be able to tell stories about crazy hedonism taking place in the store
after-hours, with the exception of the attempted sex in the video booths,
nothing like that ever occurred. Only two things happened that are worth
mentioning. The first was being propositioned by a rather unattractive man
buying a swinger magazine to meet him and his wife for a drink after my shift
was over. The other was getting flashed by a woman in the passenger-side seat
of a car while her husband sat behind the wheel and grinned. It was dark out
and it took me a while to figure out what I was staring at inside the dimly-lit
car window. I don’t know if they were trolling for potential sex partners or
simply getting a kick out of flashing strangers from a distance, but I just waved,
got in my car and drove off to make the daily deposit.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">Being surrounded
in this environment did make me look at things differently. There was once
instance in particular when I ordered a pizza and found myself surprised that
the woman delivering the pizza didn’t start taking her clothes off as I reached
for my wallet. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">The darker side
of this skewed world-view was that I started looking down at anyone I thought used
drugs. Ministry has taught us to, “Never trust a junkie,” but I think it’s
unfair to look poorly upon anyone who uses drugs recreationally. I could just as
well feel the same about anyone who drinks alcohol. Generally speaking, if a
drug has taken control of someone’s life, it’s pretty obvious and you’ll know
you don’t want them in your life. But as I continued to sell products to junkies
and potheads whose lives revolved around getting their next high, I felt more
and more glad my drug days of high school were long over.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">Every once in a
while, my assumptions and held stereotypes would get turned on their ear. There
was the guy who I recognized from campus that always wore a suit and bought
one-hitters a few times a month. (I don’t know if he was a professor or admin staff, but he
certainly looked like he had his shit together.) Additionally, once in a while a
couple would come in for some toys and movies to spice up their love life, and
it was always reassuring to see people actually happy to be in the store.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">One Thursday
evening, I spent most of shift with a couple trying to find a vibrator to
replace one they had purchased in the mid 80s and used constantly. They wanted an exact
replacement, but after it became clear this product wasn’t produced anymore (I
checked several catalogs), we spent the rest of the time testing out the
vibration functions on products that interested them. This experience could
have been annoying and long, but their enthusiasm and openness made me feel privileged
to be helping them with something so intimate. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">Then there was
the guy who smelled like shit and bought our molded fist dildo. He couldn’t
stop giggling as he pulled out bill after crumpled bill from his disgusting
trench coat pocket. For every warm fuzzy there’s a repulsive antithesis ready
to creep you out to the core. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">But these
experiences were important for keeping me grounded and taught me that while
some people are crazy perverts who only receive joy from shoving
molded plastic fists up their asses, there are also people who use these
products as an occasional treat in their lives.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">Everything was
put into perspective one day when I went to the mall and saw a group of
young men hanging out in the Game Stop discussing video game news with the
clerk behind the counter. This group was always there whenever I stopped by and
I realized that the only difference between these geeks and the perverts at my
store is that these guys were getting their sex fix virtually.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">We all orgasm in
some fashion, make sure you’re getting the most from yours. <o:p></o:p></span></div>Jizzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15489947250744447311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2767749254355137262.post-49553379901126333832012-03-27T14:08:00.002-05:002012-03-27T14:08:56.212-05:00Carl – This is your brain on drugs…<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">I’ve written
several times about how the owner of the store likes hiring older employees.
I’ve also explained why this is a bad idea because anyone over 40 who wants to
work at a porn store is probably the last person you’d want handling money or
working with customers. They’re either a burnout or a thief (sometimes both)
and can’t be trusted with anything.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">Despite this,
our regional manager hired Carl to work our overnight shift and for some
reason, I had to train him.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">The first thing
I noticed about Carl, as I arrived at 10:45 p.m. to work an unscheduled
overnight shift, was that he shakes. A lot of shakes. Throughout the course
of the evening, I eventually learned why he constantly vibrates.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">Carl looks like
a real-life version of the Big Lebowski’s The Dude, if he was completely fried,
emaciated and always wore a dirty jean jacket. A child of the 60s and 70s, Carl
had a rather rough experience when he went to school at Mankato State
University. He and his brother were dorm roommates that were constantly disappointed
at their classmates’ lack of debauchery. He never went to class, drank incessantly,
got high constantly and eventually flunked out after his second quarter. During
their last night in the dorm, Carl and his brother decided to take the rest of
the acid they had left between the two of them. They had 34 hits!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">This was a bad
idea on Carl’s part. Now the walls melt on their own if he doesn’t remember to
take his anti-psychotic medications. Drinking alcohol reduces his shakes, but
if he has more than two, he usually has a seizure. (I would later learn that he
has a large number of seizures.) He tries to stick to Mountain Dew, but the
caffeine makes his tremors worse, so he’s usually stuck in limbo between almost
falling asleep and shaking himself into oblivion.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">I'm sure this trend of chemical consumption continued after college, but I didn't get much information about this time of his life.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">In addition to
working overnights at the porn store, Carl is a tattoo artist and a piercer. I
learned this after I asked about the permanent artwork on his hands. My best
guess is that these images are supposed to represent a castle and a knight, but
it looks as if this was attempted by a child using jumbo crayons. He explained
that he had done these pieces himself and removed his ever-present jean jacket
to show me the other tattoos up his left and right arms. They weren’t any
better and I found myself reminded of Picasso.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">A few days after
training him, I learned more about Carl’s failed tattoo and piercing parlor,
and why he wasn’t allowed to operate this business in Mankato anymore. For
years, Mankato Ink had been the only tattoo parlor in the area. Carl decided to
start his own place and compete by offering much lower prices. He was able to
achieve this by not paying for little extras, like proper lighting in his store
or new needles for each piercing. He told me about two girls who came
in to celebrate their high school graduation with belly button rings. Carl gave
them a great deal by piercing them together, sticking the first girl, wiping
off the needle and then immediately piercing the next girl with the same
needle. (I hope they were really close friends because they’re now sharing a
hell of a lot more than friendship.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">When the owners
of Mankato Ink got word of what was happening in Carl’s shop, they made a deal
with their tattoo and piercing supply vendor. They’d buy from this supplier
exclusively if he stopped selling to Carl. The vendor agreed and Carl
eventually closed his shop because he ran out of needles, ink and (I can only
hope) cleaning materials.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">Now his career
is in flux, so he’s just working at the porn store until he can get his parlor
up and running again. I pray that he’s never able to achieve this. I also
completely expect to be called in to cover numerous overnight shifts because he’s had a seizure, his tremors are too severe to operate the cash register or he finally
finishes what he started in the 70s and O.D.s. <o:p></o:p></span></div>Jizzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15489947250744447311noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2767749254355137262.post-90522266666446465292012-03-26T15:14:00.002-05:002012-03-26T15:14:50.403-05:00Hazing at the porn store...<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">I’ve been
working at the store for a while and have managed to get a number of my friends
hired. Because of this, we’ve taken it upon ourselves to start hazing new employees that we know outside of the store.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">To be fair,
working at the porn store is one of the least-taxing jobs on the face of the
earth. Kicking out people trying to fuck each other in the video booths
notwithstanding, there aren’t any demands other than ringing customers up and
counting your cash drawer. I decided that this was too easy and added some
spice to our newest employee’s first solo overnight shift. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">Steve is the
brother-in-law of Jeremy, an evening shift clerk who agreed to help make his
in-law’s first shift memorable. We did this using a four-part method.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<ol start="1" style="margin-top: 0in;" type="1">
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">We
crank called the store from the pay phone located across the street of the
store. We did our best to call only when the store was crowded and took
pains to keep him on the phone as long as possible.<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">A
female friend was sent in to attempt to return one of her old sex toys and
then act irate when he wouldn’t allow the return. (She refused to let us
smear lint and facial hair on the device before bringing it in.)<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">Since
walking and cleaning the parking lot is required at the end of his shift,
we placed a variety of surprises for him to find. These surprises were
specifically designed to make him wonder what the hell was happening
outside the store while he was working. For one, we put an entire roll of
saran wrap balled up around a rubber chicken, wet naps and an empty jar of
Vaseline. Along his car, we smeared Vaseline (obtained from the now empty
jar) on his passenger side windows and wrote suggestive messages that were
apparently only visible when he drove home and the sunlight hit the
passenger side of the car. Next to the garbage dumpster, we drew a large
pentagram in the dirt and threw a couple of raw chicken breasts in the
center. (In retrospect, this was the dumbest part of the prank. Everyone
had to deal with the smell of rotting chicken for days after throwing raw
meat on the ground.)<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">The
coup de grâce was a condom filled with Campbell’s chicken and stars soup
thrown against the wall of the back, corner booth. This was accomplished
during one of the long prank phone calls and we were able to get the soup
to explode all the way up to ceiling. I was tremendously impressed with the
results of this part of the prank as it's incredibly difficult to get
condensed soup into a condom.<o:p></o:p></span></li>
</ol>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">The most
difficult part about this prank was playing it cool. It was several
days before I was going to see Steve again and every ounce of my being wanted to call him up
the following night to ask him about his first overnight shift by himself. This
wouldn’t be completely out of the ordinary because I’m an Assistant Manager,
but I’m also terrible at keeping a straight face/voice while talking to someone
about a joke. I felt that for the good of the mission, I would simply wait
until Steve chose to tell me about these events.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">Eventually,
Steve told Jeremy what had happened and wanted to know if this sort of thing
was normal at the store. That’s when the prank was exposed and after about 10
seconds of deciding whether or not to get pissed, Steve burst out laughing. This
prank was quite literally over the top and we made it up to Steve by taking him
out for drinks and dinner.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">The only problem
now is how to top ourselves the next time another friend gets hired. Also, I'm a little worried about what Steve will pull in retaliation. <o:p></o:p></span></div>Jizzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15489947250744447311noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2767749254355137262.post-12286774248227669612012-03-23T12:54:00.001-05:002012-03-23T12:54:16.208-05:00To catch a pervert...<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">Despite upper management’s obsession about it, shoplifting at the store is pretty rare. I’ve only
experienced it once and there has only been a handful of other incidents that have
occurred when my coworkers were working. This doesn’t mean we’re catching
everyone who steals from the store, but considering the diligence we’re
expected to watch people with, customer theft should be one of the lowest items
of concern for the owner. Employee theft is much more common and I’d estimate
anything stolen is ten to twenty times more likely to have been stolen by
someone who receives a paycheck from the store.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">Having said
this, we are a target for college hazing rituals. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">Some of them are
pretty tame. One group of guys came in with a fraternity pledge and took photos
of him picking out a video and attempting to punch the <a href="http://www.jmopper.com/2012/01/bill-introduction.html" target="_blank">350 pound Bill </a>(who couldn't understand why the photo was so funny). A
small group of young women once came in and each had to purchase a vibrator.
They were all beet-red and the chattiest of the group explained to me that they
all had to return to the sorority house with something from the store.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">Other times,
it’s incredibly annoying. This week, two guys came in during a particularly
busy Friday night. They looked suspicious and I spent the entire time staring them down. When the line of customers was three people deep, one
of them grabbed a vibrator off a display close to the door and ran out, setting
off our incredibly loud security system. A group of his friends were already in
the car, but couldn’t get junker started before I grabbed the thief.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">If you really
want to know how tough someone is, you need to see how they react when they get
caught breaking the law. The would-be thief was close to tears when he explained that
this was part of his requirements to join the frat and that his future brothers
in the car had made him shoplift as a part of joining the frat.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">Baring a full-on robbery at gunpoint, we’re instructed
to avoid calling the police at all costs. In situations like this, we’re
supposed to make the thief pay for what they tried to steal and tell them they'll be arrested if they ever come back to the store.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">Unfortunately the young thief in this incident didn't have enough cash to buy the vibrator (he had expensive taste). I told his
“friends” that one of them could pay for the vibrator or I could call the cops.
After a few tense seconds, one of the frat boys came out of the car and said
he’d pay. The best part of this story is that there was still a line to check
out and everyone in the store had seen the guy run out of the store after he
set off the alarm. The two of them had to stand and wait for everyone else to
finish checking out, and then we slowly ran the card while Bill lectured the
guy about how lucky he was that we weren't calling the cops.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">I don’t know if
this hoodlum pledge made it into the fraternity, but part of me hopes that he withdrew
his application. If not, he most certainly has a terrible frat nickname related
to the shoplifting incident. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">Never cry at a porn store.</span></div>Jizzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15489947250744447311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2767749254355137262.post-6200663242479337352012-03-22T13:08:00.001-05:002012-03-22T13:08:49.955-05:00I am a Covert Cum Ninja<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">You might call
it a personal flaw, but I tend to get really competitive about everything. If
there’s the potential to turn something into a contest, I’ll do it and I want
to win.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">At the store, I’ve
turned catching people trying to fuck each other in the video booths into such
a contest. (<a href="http://www.jmopper.com/2012/01/booth-in-which-to-masturbate.html" target="_blank">For more information on video booths, see this earlier post.</a>) After my first taste of power kicking someone out of the store, I was hooked and
developed some really bizarre instincts.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">Now, I can hear
the sound of a belt buckle hitting a tile floor through all sorts of competing
noises. This sound is the biggest giveaway that someone in the video booths is
attempting to slide under a wall through a river of semen to jerk-off,
suck-off or fuck another patron. Why these guys don’t just wear sweatpants is
beyond me, but this familiar clang always sends me into motion. I grab our
trusty Mag-Lite and baseball bat, and head into the dark porn arcade, ready to
crack some skulls.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">Do you know how after
a while, you start to hear your cell phone ring all the time in unrelated
sounds?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">This obsession
on my part has caused me to start hearing the belt buckle clang everywhere,
from the grocery store to lying in bed. Intellectually, I know there’s no one on
all fours trying to give a stranger a handjob in my closet, but my instincts
kick in and I receive an immediate kick of adrenaline every time I imagine the
sound. At three in the morning, it’s hard to fall back asleep and I’ll admit, most
of the time I end up checking my closet just to make sure.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">I've also decided I can tell who is going to mess around in the back rooms just by looking at the person. When they come up for change, I eye them carefully, deciding whether or not I'll be escorting them to the exit in the near future.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">We’re supposed
to walk the video booths every once in a while, shining the flashlight along
the floor so the patrons know we’re keeping an eye on things. But now that I
want to catch people, I’ve stopped doing this and walk as quietly as possible
back and forth, hoping to catch someone with their pants down (quite
literally.) <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">During slow
times at the store, when no other customers are around except the booth crew, I’ll
even kneel on the edge of the doorway so they can’t see or hear my feet.
Holding my breath, I’ll wait anxiously with my thumb on the flashlight button,
hoping to flash the exact instant someone’s head appears below the booth wall. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">My success percentage
has lowered greatly recently. We really don’t have that many people trying to
mess around in the video booths and I suspect the ones who do have figured out
that I’m waiting to kick them out. But every once in a while, I’m still able to catch
someone looking completely ridiculous with their pants around their ankles and
their eyes as large as saucers.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">These guys are
hilarious when they get caught. The most common response is that they dropped
their dollar and were kneeling down to pick it up. Apparently their money had
caught an updraft and floated all the way into another video booth and into
another patron’s pants. It’s amazing.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">Some people try
to act really tough when you catch them and refuse to leave. During one <a href="http://www.jmopper.com/2012/03/my-friend-ogre.html" target="_blank">shift with Ogre</a>, he caught someone in the act and told
the guy to leave the store. The customer just stood in his booth and said, “Just
a minute, my time’s almost up,” in a low, tough-guy voice. After a few
reminders, Ogre kicked open the door and grabbed the guy by the scruff of his
neck to help guide him to the exit. This formerly low-pitched man was now
screaming in an incredibly high-pitched voice, “Get your hands off me! Don’t
touch me! I’ll call the police.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">“You do that,”
said Ogre as he threw this foiled pervert across the hood of a random car in the parking lot and slammed
the store’s door closed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">In actuality, we
could call the cops when we catch people engaging in sexual acts in the video
booths, but the owner doesn’t want the extra attention brought to the store.
(Same principle as explained in my shoplifting post.) Anyone who puts up too
big of a fight is threatened with police intervention and this usually causes them
to leave immediately. To my knowledge, we’ve never had to call the cops because
of an amorous backroom incident, but if things every got too messy (pun
intended) we certainly could.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">Video booth shenanigans
is just one of the realities of running a porn store, so during my time here, I
will remain an ever-vigilant, covert cum ninja. <o:p></o:p></span></div>Jizzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15489947250744447311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2767749254355137262.post-7853435283861751112012-03-20T13:49:00.005-05:002012-03-20T13:49:52.004-05:00The porn store owner opens a strip club…<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">The wonderful
thing about the sex industry is that, providing you’re not a drug addict or an
idiot, it’s a pretty easy area to make money in. The markup on porn is
insane (the numbers I’ve seen suggest anywhere between 100% and 1,000%
depending on the product) and if you’re able to move into strip clubs, you may
as well add another zero to the end of your earnings for the year. Based on my diligent
internet research, a well-run club can earn between one and four million
dollars a year, which is almost enough to make it worth dealing with strippers
as employees. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">Almost.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">The store I work
at is one in a chain of four spaced out in small towns in Minnesota and
Wisconsin. The owner earns a lot of money in these stores and decided that his
next big investment project was to construct a strip club outside of Saint
Cloud. This was actually his third attempt at building a strip club. Twice
before, small-town city councils had gotten wind of his plans to turn his newly
constructed pole barns on the edge of town into dens of filth and debauchery,
and quickly passed ordinances that outlawed strip clubs in their city. Either
Saint Cloud was too big to notice or simply didn’t care, because his first
strip club just opened there last month.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">I had expected
someone who owned multiple porn stores to be savvier about strip clubs, but I've learned
a lot about strip club management and operation through his mistakes. First, he
didn’t understand that most clubs charge dancers a fee to perform at their club
for the evening and then allow the dancers to keep what they get from customers. His original idea was to offer dancers a 50-50 split of their earnings
and soon found that no one wanted to strip at his club. Not only are the
logistics of this plan insane (can you imagine trying to settle up with a
dancer at the end of the night?), he shouldn’t have let his ego get in the way
of researching industry trends. He finally agreed to charging dancers a
standard fee for performing at his club for the evening.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">Secondly, he
wanted to sell booze. Unless you’re in Vegas or Florida, most laws
completely forbid the consumption of alcohol in the same location as a strip
club. The only reason St. Paul’s Lamplighter club allows alcohol is because
they’re technically at two different addresses and there’s a sheet of glass
between the drinkers and nude dancers. I understand that the owner is a flag-waving,
give-me-all-my-rights capitalist, but even he should have known this plan was
going to fail. So now they’re a juice bar strip club.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">Lastly, he has
no idea how to control employees, let alone strippers. At a porn store, you can
pretty much bully your employees into doing whatever you want. Most of them are
students and don’t care enough to do anything other than quit if they get
pissed and there’s a steady stream of people who apply to be glorified
cashiers. The worst thing you have to worry about at a porn store is employee
theft (<a href="http://www.jmopper.com/2012/03/you-are-being-watched.html" target="_blank">and I’ve already written about the extensive efforts he’s employed toprevent that from happening</a>.) But employing strippers opens up a whole new
level of problems like prostitution, drug rings and sexual harassment. Within
days of opening, half the strippers were fired for either getting caught
snorting coke or giving blowjobs in the private dance rooms.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">Worst of all, at
least for me, is that he’s talked one of the strippers into coming down and
covering open shifts at our Mankato store. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">Stephanie is a
stripper through and through. She thinks she can talk her way out of anything
with an arm rub, soft voice and bedroom eyes. This technique works great in a
strip club, but it’s a huge pain in the ass when this person is your coworker. She
agrees to everything when it’s discussed, but as soon as it’s time to sweep the
floor or take the garbage out to the dumpster, she suddenly lays down behind
the counter, rubs her feet and complains about how much her legs hurt from
working at the club the previous night.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">Observing her is like
watching a drug dealer. If she works int he store the day after dancing, she appears with a new outfit, bags of stuff from the mall, a new cell
phone and a ton of newly purchased crap she doesn’t need. She brought in a huge box full of candy
(which put Bill in her back pocket) and has started getting really friendly
with one of the morning clerks. I’ve told him to be careful with her since he’s
such a nice guy, but now that she’s started spending the night at his place, I’m
just waiting for the impending disaster. I just hope he doesn’t get her
pregnant.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">I know what’s
going to happen. She’ll call in one too many times (you can only use the, “I’m
too tired from working at the club,” excuse so many times) and the owner will
cut her lose. In the meantime, I guess I’ll just take note of her stripping stories and post anything worth mentioning here.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">If you want to
go see the club, it’s just north of Saint Cloud near the intersection of 45 and
35. I have no idea how long it will remain in existence, but I’m sure it will
make the owner a bundle of cash.<o:p></o:p></span></div>Jizzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15489947250744447311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2767749254355137262.post-89446377813196093662012-03-19T13:43:00.002-05:002012-03-19T13:43:17.287-05:00What is this stuff for?<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">The store I work
at is a head shop in addition to being a porn store. This means that I get to
deal with addicts as well as perverts. Not that all of our customers are sex-fiends and druggies, but selling related products brings them out in
droves. Also, these are the customers that are most fun to write about.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">Our store isn’t
the only place in Mankato that sells “smoking supplies,” but it used to be. Years
ago, when they first attempted to sell pipes and rolling papers, the local
police came into the store and confiscated the entire stock. The owner had to
take the city to court to get his merchandise back and eventually won the right to sell
these products within city limits.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">For legal
reasons, we’re required to explain that these pipes and papers are intended for tobacco use only. Any assertion that these products will be used to
smoke an illegal substance will result in the customer being ejected from the
store. Because of this, bongs are called “water-cooled tobacco pipes” and
one-ies (aka pinchies) are called, “single-use refillable tobacco pipes.” We
even have a display up that explains the health benefits of smoking tobacco
through a water pipe located next to a three-foot gravity bong. Theoretically
speaking, all of the pipes we sell "could" be used to smoke tobacco, which is
why it’s legal to sell them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">What I find most
amusing is the legal explanations we have for far less innocent products. We
sell nitrous oxide cartridges for the supposed purpose of recharging homemade
whipped cream dispensers. We even go so far as to display an incredibly
expensive reusable whipped cream dispenser for sale next to the cartridges. (So
far, no one has offered to purchase this $150 device.) But at the same time, we
also sell balloons and ‘crackers’ that allow you to fill the balloon with the
contents of the nitrous cartridge. (“Novelty use only” apparently covers a
gigantic array of products.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">Digital scales
are displayed in the same case with a similar culinary explanation. Why anyone
would buy electronics from a porn store for twice the Office Depot price with
absolutely no warranty is beyond me, but I suppose dealers have to go somewhere
when they need a scale at 3 a.m.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">The nitrous and
pot products don’t really bother me. They may kill a lot of brain cells, but I’ve
never really thought of them as dangerous substances in most cases. However, even in the
world of "novelty products" I’m amazed that we get away selling some of the
products we stock.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">Recently, I
started my shift and found a new item available next to our glass pipes. It was
a box of little, glass tubes with a tiny rose inside. At first, I thought this
was a cute, romantic gift that we kept in the case to prevent
shoplifting. But after seeing the
clientele who regularly purchased these these roses in large quantities (and their lack
of teeth), I realized we were actually selling crack pipes. As far as I’m
concerned, we may as well sell little baggies with Brillo in them as an
accessory.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">We’ve also
started selling “incense” pipes, that are basically a glass tube with a large
glass bulb at the end, packaged with a little vial of incense. It had been a
while since I had seen a meth pipe in person, but I recognized what this
product was immediately. I don’t know if anyone actually inhales the
included incense for a buzz, but I (almost) think it would be safer to inhale
meth.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><i>(*Author’s note:
This took place long before smoking incense and bath salts became common
intoxicants for high school students.)</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">Once I started ordering
merchandise for the store, I realized how common products like these are in
head/porn shops. The warehouse catalog we order from has a large variety of
products aimed at illegal activities. In fact, they even sell razor blades
packaged to resell in single-use containers. (I don’t know what legal explanation
is given for selling razor blades with smoking accessories, but I’m sure it’s
hilarious.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">Ultimately,
people are responsible for their own lives and most of this stuff could be
purchased at the hardware store down the street, so I don’t feel particularly
bad when I sell these items. Still, part of me feels like we may as well sell
special velvet ropes to customers who enjoy auto-erotic asphyxiation.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Gill Sans MT";">On the bright
side, we don’t sell cigarettes or tobacco. <o:p></o:p></span></div>Jizzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15489947250744447311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2767749254355137262.post-46605736581639784562012-03-16T13:04:00.001-05:002012-03-16T13:05:38.079-05:00The Peter Steele Project<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">I never saw the
original pictorial of Type O Negative lead singer Peter Steele that appeared in
Playgirl, but I heard all about it. The well-endowed rocker didn’t realize that
the magazine’s readership was mostly male and was incredibly embarrassed by his
photo shoot after her learned that his nude photos would be viewed mostly by
men. (He also received no end of shit from his band mates about this fact.)
Despite the strong male readership, I’m sure the number of goth women who purchased
Playgirl skyrocketed the month his pictures appeared.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">Original issues
of Playgirl from this month are quite rare and expensive, but the shots were so
popular that Playgirl decided to run Peter’s photos again in a compilation
issue. This “rerun” issue contained the same pictures as the original issue, but
is a lot easier to find. So easy, in fact, that I started noticing it popping
up in the store’s gay mag packs.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">For the
uninitiated, mag packs are back-issues of porn magazines shrink-wrapped
together and sold as a bundle for less than the cover prices. This method
allows magazine publishers to make money off past issues they didn’t sell and
customer to get a pack of nudie magazines at a cheap price. Generally, more
recent or desirable magazines are placed on the outside of the pack, visible to
customers, while magazines inside remain unseen. These “center mags” are
usually foreign publications with models who don’t always measure up to western
porn standards (missing teeth, visible scars, open herpes sores, etc.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">As a clerk, I
was privy to when our new gay mag packs came in and always looked for the
Playgirl that contained Peter Steele’s pictorial. I’d find them quite regularly
(the compilation issue, not the original), bundle three of them into a $6.99
pack, use my employee discount to purchase them and then resell them
individually on eBay.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">I didn’t make a
ton off these sales, but buying a magazine for $1.17 and reselling it online
for $20+ is a hell of a profit. I kept doing this until eBay began requiring
Playgirls be sold in their “adult” section. After this happened, no customers
could find my listings (since most people don’t search eBay’s separate adult
listings) and I stopped making any money selling the issues. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">It was fun while
it lasted.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TBHDglmyOYk" target="_blank">R.I.P. Peter.</a><o:p></o:p></span></div>Jizzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15489947250744447311noreply@blogger.com1