What does excellent customer service mean to you?

I’ve written a lot about how I don’t have to be nice to customers and that I can kick out people simply on a whim, but the thing is that I actually like helping customers that have legitimate questions. The couple that wants to learn where to start with sex toys. The husband who wants to bring home a naughty movie that isn’t too intense. A young woman who doesn’t know what size lingerie will fit her and needs an objective opinion about which outfit looks best. (Okay, that last one has never happened.)

While the majority of customers I write about are freaks, the truth is that I believe adult stores provide an important service to loving couples who are looking to spice up their love lives. So I do my best when these customers get up the nerve to ask me questions.

Sometimes, even these legitimate questions are hilarious.

For example, one Sunday morning around 5 a.m., an older gentleman came in looking for, in his words, “masturbation sleeves” that were at least eight inches long. This was new terminology, but I knew exactly what he was talking about. For those unfamiliar with this product; do you remember those Water Wigglies toys that were a tube of plastic, filled with water and slipped out of your hand when you held them too tight? (If not, Google Water Wigglies.) Now imagine this toy with a handle on the side so you can slide your penis inside and squish the entire apparatus until you ejaculate.

These products are all about five inches long and there’s no reason you need to need to fit your entire penis inside as the movement in and out is the main appeal. I showed him what we had and he, realizing how small they were, started to object. As he started motioning towards his crotch to express his great need for something larger, I walked away and said, “I’m sorry sir, that’s all we have,” over my shoulder.

Then there was the married couple looking for a “vibrator with an insane amount of power.” (This was their, well-worded description.) This was fun because the husband kept agreeing and saying, “She just needs more power!” We went through a variety of different vibrators and toys, testing out the vibrating power of each with our test-batteries to find the most powerful toy in the store. In the end, they bought The Earthquake, essentially a penis-shaped vibrator that was four times as large as a typical vibrator and required 5 D-batteries to operate. They were so excited, I was surprised to see them tearing out of the parking lot. I assumed they would have gotten busy while still parked in back of the store.

Then there are the more depressing “family” incidents.

A large number of parents try to bring their small children into the store. This isn’t allowed by the store and I’m pretty sure it’s against the law. Sadly, most of these customers are looking to buy drug paraphernalia and I shudder to think of the children sitting in the back seat while their mommy or daddy takes hits while driving.

One incident that really disturbed me was a mom who came in with an infant that obviously had some sort of mental disability. I don’t know if drug use had anything to do with this child’s disability, or even if it was her child, but logic would suggest it did. I told her she had to leave with the baby and she went absolutely ballistic. She droned on and on about how she comes in here with the baby all the time and that she only needed a new bat box. None of this mattered and after she finished her diatribe, I repeated that I couldn’t serve her. She left, angry and swearing, and I was left wondering about the future of that poor child.

Some parents even go so far as to leave their kids in the car. If we see this, we’re supposed to kick the customer out of the store. I would kick them out even if it wasn’t store policy. What kind of a parent leaves their kid in the car while they buy porn or drug supplies? (I have an angry, blatant answer for that, but will keep these comments to myself.)

Sometimes, it’s really obvious that there are kids left in a car. All of a sudden, you’ll start to hear high-pitched laughter over the constant stream of 70s love ballads that broadcast throughout the store. Other times, the bored kids will start to honk the horn in a rhythmic pattern until their parent comes back to the car. In one case, someone’s child even stuck their head in the door and cried out, “daddy” as the ten customers jumped, faced the entrance and then turned away with red faces.

Some of the trolls in the video booths drive to the store in vehicles that have child car seats in the back seats. But as often as I have to kick them out for trying to have sex with each other, I have to give them credit for at least leaving their kids at home.

Some days, my childhood seems like it was a lot less complicated than most others.

Ask Jizz 2/13/2012 - Gay Marriage

What’s your opinion on gay marriage?

I support gay marriage, but I’d like to begin my answer by explaining that gay marriage is one of the biggest smoke screens ever brought into politics. As far as I’m concerned, it’s a complete non-issue that shouldn’t be decided by politicians nor be a factor in any political race.

Minnesota is about to vote on a same-sex marriage ban amendment. This means that millions (perhaps billions) of dollars will be spent on advertising campaigns and efforts on both sides to get Minnesotans to vote one way or the other. It sickens me that we’ll be throwing so much money into this election that could have been spent to actually do some real good in the world. Also, there’s a 50/50 chance the results of this vote will be pointless because I strongly suspect this issue will be argued in front of the Supreme Court.

The fact that we’re even talking about this in politics is completely absurd. The biggest conservative groups against allowing gay marriage are also the same groups that want smaller government and less governmental influence in our everyday lives. How could you conceivably think it’s inappropriate for the government to tax you, but appropriate for the government to tell people who they can and can’t marry.

Furthermore, the people using the ‘biblical marriage’ argument are referring to a very small section of the bible. This is the same book that instructs you to marry your brother’s wife and impregnate her, should your brother die unexpectedly. You can also knock up your wife’s slave if she’s unable to provide you with children. Hell, bigamy is allowed too so why all the fuss about two guys or gals getting married.

I’ve long felt that the real issues at play here are:

• Some people are really uncomfortable with the idea of homosexual relationships and would prefer them to stay hidden.
• People insecure about their own sexuality or past relationship failures attack homosexuality in an attempt to feel better about themselves.
• If we accept there are actual legitimate, permanent homosexual relationships, we won’t be able to look at gays as being creepy freaks that live lifestyles that run contrary to those of ‘wholesome’ people. If they start being houses, raising kids and paying taxes, we’ve suddenly lost a huge scapegoat to blame for the crumbling of our corrupt society. If all this happens, we’ll have to face the reality that all of our problems are actually our own fault.

So yes, I believe gays should be allowed to marry. The fact that two people are so in love with each other that they want to make a commitment to stay together for the rest of their lives should be celebrated, regardless of gender. This relationship has nothing to do with you, your marriage, your children or anything else in your life. I’m sorry you’re uncomfortable with the thought of seeing two married women shopping at Costco on a Saturday morning, but suck it up. I don’t give a fuck about your marriage, lack of marriage or relationship status, so stop caring about mine or anyone else’s.

I think we’ll get there and same-sex marriage will soon be legal in the United States. But issues like this are great for bringing assholes out of the woodwork who want to force their beliefs and agendas on others.

I keep hearing about a “homosexual agenda” from the far right. All of this hate feels more like a conservative Christian agenda than anything else. If you want to be a strict, biblically-based Christian, that’s fine, but don’t expect everyone else to live up to what you feel are ideals. You should also follow all the other rules in the bible and stop obsessing about gay sex. If you want to avoid things that are an “abomination to God” in the bible, you’re also not allowed to:

• Divorce and/or remarry 
• Lay with a menstruating woman 
• Lie – EVER! 
• Be proud 
• Sacrifice humans

If you start going through the Old Testament; one could get stoned to death for cursing, not being a virgin when they get married (only women) or doing work on the Sabbath. So if we’re going to start telling people they’re going to hell, let’s first take a look at our own actions and realize that we’re all going there for that trip to Home Depot last Sunday.

Bottom line, everyone needs to stop caring about what other people are doing in their bedrooms. Once we do this our lives will be a lot simpler.

(Thank you for allowing me to rant.)

So you’re being hit on by another man…

I’ve always been completely oblivious to when women have flirted or shown any interest in me. Gay men (particularly ones who would hit on the clerk of a porn store) tend to be a little more, shall we say, direct.

This particular incident took place during one of my last official overnight shifts. I didn’t pay much attention to the regulars who used the jerk-off booths in the back and as a result, they didn’t pay much attention to me. This night, there was a new face, a chubby, older guy in his 50s who kept coming up to get ones for the machines. I knew there was no way he was using all of his ones and he smiled at me, rather creepily every time he came up with another five to break. I ignored him, hoping he would just go away.

On the third visit to the counter, he asked me if there was a place in town, “Where guys go to meet other guys.” (I assume he meant, “Where guys go to MEAT other guys.”) I told him about a park across the way where I had heard was the local hook-up spot (see recent entry Sex vs. Sick). He thanked me for this info, his change and went back to the booths.

Within 10 minutes he was back for more ones. (I should point out that the video booths give you 4 minutes per dollar. The 50 ones that I have given to him in the course of an hour were not used up.) He put another $5 bill on the counter and mumbled something that sounded vaguely like, “You’re very attractive.” I gave a confused grunt and he stepped back from the counter getting redder and redder. His five ones were sitting on the counter, but he just stood in place, staring at his feet. The uncomfortable feeling that rose through my feet and up my spine was like a river of snot making me feel like I was being sucked-on by a chain-smoker. It wasn’t that he was hitting on me, it was that he wouldn’t go away.

After what seemed like 15 minutes, he finally got his strength up and spoke a little louder, “Do you ever go to the park?”

I had a number of options at this point. I could have gotten angry, threatened to beat him up and kicked him out of the store. I could have ignored the statement, walked into the back room and waited for him to leave. I could have yelled back a diatribe about how I wasn’t gay and even if I was, I certainly wouldn’t screw a creepy old fuck that hits on strangers in porn stores.

In the end (pun intended), I chose to laugh and respond with an exaggerated, “Nooooooooooo….”

He replied, “That’s too bad. You’re very attractive.” I completely lost it at that point and burst out laughing, trying to say, “Thank you,” and amusing myself with a pipe catalog until he walked away.

The saddest thing is that I felt bad for him. If he comes on to a stranger like this, he’s probably gotten his ass kicked a number of times. He’s looking for companionship in an all-night porn store and evidentially very determined. He seemed like a lonely, little man looking for “love” in “all the wrong places.”

On the other hand, he could have been a family man with 5 kids and a wife, visiting Mankato on business and just looking for a young trick to suck him off.

You just never know.

The window into peoples' lives...

As you can probably imagine, working at a store like this, you’re allowed a rare opportunity to look into the dark little windows of people’s personal lives. And a lot of times, it’s really fucking creepy.

In this instance, a guy came into the store a few days ago dressed in a dirty mechanic’s outfit. This was a little out of the ordinary because generally people come into the store after stopping at home to change into something more casual, but didn’t’ raise any red flags. The fact that he bought an elaborate, $300 bondage kit didn't surprise me either. I would have thought a purchase on this scale could have waited until you had time to take a shower after work. Or at least wash your face and hands (he was pretty filthy… with oil. I’m not going to comment on the status of his mind.)

The truly terrifying aspect happened when I was handing him his change and I heard him mumble something about, “That smart-ass teenager thinks he can do whatever he wants without any consequences,” as he walked out the door.

I honestly went pale and expect to see a story in tomorrow’s paper detailing a medieval torture dungeon in the basement of someone’s suburban home. I started thinking of every survival horror movie where the victim is tied up in a basement and imagined this happening mere miles away from the store.

I haven't heard anything more about this and really hope that the bondage set never got put to use. To be fair, we don’t sell very high quality bondage gear. It’s expensive, but not the sort of stuff that would last more than light use by people that aren’t really into bondage.

But you never know… somewhere in Mankato there could be a gimp in the basement, yearning for freedom.

Autoerotic...

To truly appreciate the eeriness of this story, you have to know a little bit about the location of the porn store in Mankato. Not only is it located on the edge of a college town, its parking lot is right along the railroad line with just a thin, wooded area in between the parking lot and the train tracks. The store convenient for people coming in from the outskirts of town, but it’s also a perfect target for transients riding the rails looking for god-knows-what.

Considering this, I suppose it’s nothing short of amazing that I haven’t been robbed or even harassed all that greatly during my time here.

But back to autoerotic asphyxiation…

I had been working nine days straight while covering shifts for a coworker who was taking an extended vacation to visit family in India. Nine days of work straight at a porn store wasn’t a thrilling experience, but I have to admit that I didn’t have to work that hard sitting around reading (non-sexual) books for 90% of the shift. It’s always fun staying up all night, it’s the constant nocturnal schedule that starts to mess with you.

After the last of my overnight shifts, I had to come back in later that same day to work the evening 2 p.m. to 10 p.m. shift. It was a short night’s sleep, but not really all that demanding in the scheme of things. What really surprised me was that the parking lot was filled with cops when I arrived back at the store, a mere seven hours after my overnight shift had completed.

Apparently, the person working the morning shift found a dead body while she completed her daily cleanup of the parking lot. A man was hanging from a tree with a noose around his neck and his pants around his ankles. Authorities were not able to determine if it was a suicide, an autoerotic asphyxiation game gone wrong or if other people were involved. Honestly, it’s really hard to tell. I could see all three as possibilities given the location.

The really creepy thing about this story is that the police estimate that the guy strangled sometime between midnight and 5 a.m. the night I was working. This happened while I was sitting behind the counter or mopping the floors less than 100 feet away!

Part of my cleaning responsibilities includes me to check the parking lot before the evening shift person leaves for the night. Usually, I get annoyed by finding a pile of empty nitrous oxide containers someone dumped out of their car after getting high in the parking lot, but now I have to worry about finding dead bodies!  

As expected, the entire staff started making jokes about people ‘dying’ to get into the store, but you could tell everyone was pretty uneasy about it. The owner was at the store when I arrived and said that he was installing a “buzz-in” system to let customers in between 1 and 6 a.m. Overnight workers are now forbidden from going into the parking lot when working alone in the store. Nice gestures, but a little too late for one unlucky gentleman.

You never know what will take your breath away at the porn store.

Detox

We live in an amazing time and place. Not only do we have easy access to a wide variety of chemicals that can alter our reality (both illegal and available with a prescription), but we also have another selection of chemicals we can consume to hide the fact that we’re taking the chemicals we’re not supposed to be smoking/swallowing/injecting/etc. At least that’s what the outside of the boxes would tell you.

I’m not stupid. I’ve experienced my share of chemicals and realize that addition is the biggest factor in play here. If part of your probation agreement involves you subjecting yourself to random drug screenings in order to stay out of jail and you still feel the need to take drugs, there are some very powerful addictions at work.

One thing that does baffle me are the guys on probation, who know full-well that they’ll be back in jail (or prison) if they fail a urine screen test and still insist on smoking pot. Now my stoner days are over, but as good as pot ever was, it’s certainly not worth going to jail for. Hell, with what you can pick up at any given pharmacy, it’s hardly worth tracking down a dealer.

Anyway, interacting with the customers on probation is a continual reminder of why I distanced myself from the drug culture and why I’m glad I won’t be working in a porn store for the rest of my life.

The science behind a toxin-flush drink is pretty simple. When you consume anything, (food, drugs, pollution in the air, etc.) a portion of that chemical will stay in your system for a certain amount of time. The more of something you consume, the more of it stays in your system and the more you have to flush out (either through pee, poop, vomit or sweat.) I really hope this concept hasn’t confused anyone up to this point.

There are toxin flush products readily available to the public. The problem is that a toxin-flush will only remove a portion of these chemicals and it’s only a matter of time before your body starts naturally flush out the remaining chemicals through pee, poop, vomit or sweat (you may have noticed a trend). This is a crucial point every drug user needs to understand because no matter how good the toxin flush is (or how much water you drink) sooner or later, your urine is going to start containing traces of the drugs you’ve taken until they’re completely removed from your system.

Additionally, many of the drug testing companies can find traces of any chemicals you’ve used to clean out your system (Goldenseal for example). This will invalidate your drug test, so you have to be really careful. Knowing all this, it’s still quite possible to pass a UA test, IF YOU’RE WILLING TO FOLLOW THE INSTRUCTIONS.

I haven’t been working here very long and I’ve already had multiple customers come back in with their empty box and receipt demanding a refund. (The box does advertise a double-your-money-back refund, but you need to go directly through their parent company and provide a copy of your failed test.) At the same rate, I’ve also seen a few regular customers come in at the same time every month and buy the product. After talking to both groups, the issue is clear.

THOSE WHO FAIL AREN’T FOLLOWING THE INSTRUCTIONS!

I didn’t think this would be such a big deal, but considering my earlier statements about addition and continuing to smoke pot even though you know it will send you to jail, I guess it shouldn’t. Here’s how it’s supposed to work; one to two hours before your test, drink the bottle of toxin cleanse. Fifteen minutes later, fill the empty bottle with water and drink that down. Make sure you pee twice before your test (this isn’t an issue as drinking this product causes you to piss and shit like a racehorse.) Oh, and AVOID ANY UNWANTED SUBSTANCES AT LEAST 48 HOURS BEFORE THE TEST.

This is probably why most people fail. I’ve heard stories of people strictly following the directions, then packing a oneie and smoking it on the way to the testing facility. I expect there’s a special box on the form that the tester checks if you come into your test reeking of marijuana. I’d like my response to the people who do this to be, “You’re a fucking idiot and deserve to be locked away,” but strangely enough, I usually feel sorry for these people and politely explain that you need to abstain from any chemicals at least two days before the test.

I should point out that I’m not talking about people who get random drug tests. These folks have an appointment set a month in advance with their parole officer and know exactly when they need to pee into a cup. There is absolutely no excuse (other than basic addition and being stupid) that they should fail to follow these instructions. In a worst case scenario, their test should come back inconclusive or too diluted, not positive for pot.

Another common complaint is that the customer drank the toxin cleanse immediately after leaving the store, then failed their drug screen a week later. Again, a consumer shouldn’t use any product they don’t understand. A cleanse will only remove traces of chemicals from your urine for a short period of time. Failing a blood transfusion and liposuction, there’s no way to ensure drugs you’ve taken won’t eventually appear in your urine.

We’ve all heard stories about former drug addicts to wind up tripping-out during a long workout because their body started to burn fat that storing drugs from their wild past. Or the acid-head who went into a chiropractor for an adjustment, only to leave on a trip because a spinal adjustment released some of the LSD trapped in their spinal column. (I have no idea if these stories have any merit of truth, but since most people have heard them, you can assume most people would understand the concept… but you’d be wrong.)

Drug testing is evolving as quickly as the cleansing systems, so it’s not easy to say how long these store-bought cleansing methods will continue to be effective. We’ve already started stocking a shampoo that can be used before a hair follicle drug test that is supposed to clean out any evidence of drug use. I haven’t heard any testimonials as to whether or not this product works, but my guess is that it doesn’t. If someone is willing to have your hair chemically analyzed by a lab, I’m assuming ANY chemicals on your hair will be easily detected.

Perhaps the most ingenious (and disturbing) product available in the UA screening world is the mechanical penis that you can wear inside your pants, attached to an external bladder of clean urine. While I’ll admit this is kind of neat, it does raise some red flags about priorities in your life. Not only are you continuing to use drugs when you know it could get you thrown back in jail, but you’re also wearing a synthetic penis device with a bag full of someone else’s urine attached to your leg to warm the fluid so it comes out at a “natural” temperature. This doesn’t even consider what you had to do, and who you had to ask, to obtain this clean urine.

I have heard an amusing anecdote about a guy who failed his probation drug test because it came back pregnant. This could be an urban legend, but considering what these people have gone through to attempt to pass the test (everything except not taking drugs), it wouldn’t surprise me. Then again, nothing surprises me anymore.

Finally, it would be prudent to discuss the legal ramifications of cheating on a court-ordered drug test. It’s one thing to get caught cheating on a test you’re taking for a potential job and simply not getting hired when you fail, but getting caught cheating on a court-ordered test is a FELONY. Not only will you be going back to jail, you’ll also likely get time added to your original sentence for attempting (poorly) to cheat on your pee test. This failed attempt will most-likely be brought up at any future attempts for parole, so getting caught fucks you over in a variety of ways.

But hey, getting high it worth it… right?

Ask Jizz - February 5, 2012

Today’s question comes from a fellow blogger who writes a lovely blog called 3XX Days to Go.

Are the booths automated or do you have to touch their money?

This question made me realize I didn’t give very much detail about the physical mechanics of the booths. I’ll get to the answer to this question in a minute, but please allow me to indulge myself first.

Back when I turned 18 and was still in high school, some friends and I used to occasionally go to Broadway Book and Video in downtown Minneapolis. This was back before downtown Minneapolis got revamped and the place was a real eyesore. The creepiest people hung out in front and if you went anywhere near the gay section; guys would follow you throughout the rest of the store. The thing I remember the most was that they had a giant bondage cage in the center of the store with a lingerie-wearing mannequin inside (presumable for those who couldn't imagine it’s intended use.)

The first time a group of use went to Broadway, another customer with the same color jacket as one a guy in our group was shoving magazines under his coat. Suddenly, the voice of god came out of nowhere yelling that a cop car was immediately outside and that two in our group were under arrest for shoplifting. When the clerk, who was standing on top of a display case for extra intimidation, checked these two and found their jackets empty, he yelled at us for making him think we were shoplifting. (While he was yelling, the guy who was actually shoplifting slipped out the door with his stolen goods.)

They had video booths in the basement, which was even more disgusting than the main floor. Instead of the individual “booth/stalls” like the store in Mankato, each booth only had two, small saloon-doors that left your legs, upper torso and head completely exposed. Because of this, you could walk down the video hallway watching legs and shoulders shake as the patrons jerked off, completely unconcerned of others. They also had a “snack machine” that had, in addition to candy and chips, condoms, lube packs, playing cards (?) and (surprise) poppers!

Their system took tokens and I mention this because the one saving grace of Broadway was that their basement also had classic video games in addition to the video booths.  I was once convinced to go to the store on the premise of playing the original Tron arcade game. About halfway through my game, I started thinking about what was on the hands of the other people who had recently played the machine. I decided to let my friends finish the game, gave them the rest of my tokens and washed my hands ten times under very hot water.

The store I worked at had booths that only accepted bills. The machines took ones, fives, tens and twenties. As the clerk, I had to provide change to the customers that needed their larger bills broken down into ones. I always thought the main reason customers wanted change was an excuse to walk down the video booth hallway and scope out who else was in the store. The guys who were serious about getting in, jerking off and getting out would put whatever they had in their wallet into the machine. I’d often start my overnight cleaning with a booth or two still running because someone, now long gone, put in a twenty and then finished when they had… (ahem)… finished.

It was always the regulars who asked for change. The guys I kicked out on a regular basis. They’d come into the store, ask for change, sit in a booth for a few minutes, come out and walk around the store, go back to their car, come back in and then go back into a booth for a few minutes. We had signs up that explained how ‘trolling’ was forbidden at the store, but when you’re the only clerk and there are customers in the store, there’s no a lot I could do to prevent it. (There were a few guys on our black-list that were forbidden from coming into the store. They'd often attempt to sneak into the booths by coming in the back entrance and never asking for change. But you had to fuck up pretty bad, or try to steal something, to get on this list.)

Some of these regulars came in cars I started to recognize. A large number of these cars had child seats in the back. This is why I try to make such a big point that not everyone who is gay is a sexual deviant. I don’t know if these guys were actually gay and stuck in a marriage, or sex addicts coming out every night for a quick thrill, but I saw them as creeps rather than gay. Anyone who spends more than a half-hour at a porn store and isn’t getting paid for it, is probably not the sort of person you’d like around your kids.

Nowadays (remember, I worked at this store from 1998 to 2001) I expect customers can swipe a credit or debit card in addition to inserting bills into video booths. Places probably offer hi-definition video booths at a premium price for their upscale customers.  I doubt there are many places that have token systems, but if you find any, I’d leave the store as soon as possible.

Cleaning your head...

After writing about the rather tame in comparison nitrous oxide, I thought I’d put down my thoughts on huffing “poppers” (video head cleaner/amyl nitrate).

IT’S FUCKING INSANE!!!

But seriously, it’s really stupid and if you’ve ever smelled this stuff, you understand why. Amyl Nitrate smells like someone took ammonia, combined it with rubber cement and paint thinner, and then left it to ferment in the sun for a year. I don’t care how good it makes you feel, the smell alone should tell you that it’s doing something terrible to your body.

Since I had never heard of them before I started working here, perhaps I should explain poppers for the uninitiated. Poppers are a small bottle of liquid that people inhale for a temporary state of euphoria and disassociation. It came into popularity among homosexuals in discos during the late 70s and has sense become popular throughout the adult entertainment and dance cultures. It was originally developed to treat angina (chest pain) and Hunter S. Thompson discusses its recreational use in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.

Today it’s marketed as liquid incense or video head cleaner with names like Rush, Quick Silver and Locker Room (remember I mentioned that they were popular in the gay community?) The problem is that since it’s not officially created for human consumption, there are no regulations dictating what is actually put into these products. Amyl nitrate is now a regulated substance that is only available with a physician’s prescription. So what you’re actually inhaling could be anything from butyl nitrate (same effect at amyl nitrate with more risk of stroke) to good old fashioned ether (remember what killed the doctor in the Cider House Rules?)

Strangely enough, this stuff is a very effective video head cleaner, provided you want to open up your VCR and clean its head directly. Since there are 30 VCRs constantly running that supply the video booths with a constant stream of fresh porn, we frequently have to utilize this horrid liquid to keep the VCRs running. Bill, surprise, was the one who taught me how to clean a VCR head with a bottle of rush and a paper towel. It’s a simple matter of taking the top off the VCR, applying the cleaner liberally to your paper towel and spinning the video head manually a few turns until it wipes clean.

Simple and easy yes, but it’s just as easy to give yourself an unintentional rush while cleaning the VCR head. So far, this has happened to me twice and the pounding heartbeats in my head combined with the feeling that the building was about fall down on top of me had taught me that this isn’t a pleasurable recreational drug. I suppose it could be fun to use while at a dance club is already pounding your head with thumping beats or perhaps when you’re about to ejaculate, but I’ll leave those experiences to more daring individuals.

Poppers evaporate incredibly quickly and are one of the (many) reasons the video booth room is so well ventilated. Because of this awesome ventilation, I never smell them when people are utilizing the product while masturbating in the booths. Overall, I don’t mind selling the bottles. The only inconvenience is that I often have to sweep up empty bottles during the cleaning portion of my shift.

Everything you've ever wanted to know about nitrous oxide, but were too high to ask...

If you’re like me, when you hear the words nitrous oxide, you immediately think of visits to the dentist and Steve Martin’s sadistic character in the remake of Little Shop of Horrors. At least, this is what I thought of before I started working here. Now I think of hundreds upon hundreds of tiny metal canisters that I have to pick up out of the parking lot.

Allow me to explain.

In addition to being a mild euphoric, nitrous oxide is also a useful agent in pressurized whipped cream. Thanks to Dennis Leary, and high school, most of us know that you can get high by inhaling the gas contained in these cans. Unfortunately, it takes special skill to let the gas escape without covering your face with cream. Becoming high while you’re doing this adds another dimension to the difficulty.

Fortunately, there are chefs out there who enjoy making their own whipped cream and have created a market for small, manageable containers of nitrous oxide. Because of this, we’re able to sell small, steel containers holding 8 grams of the gas, which is about enough to fill a normal balloon. To help create the illusion that customers are coming into buy nitrous oxide (and desktop scales) from us for cooking, this section of the glass case is filled with reusable whipped cream containers, cookbooks and body toxin cleansing kits (more on this later.) This doesn’t explain why we also sell balloons and nitrous oxide container crackers, but I’ll ignore that for now.

In reality, customers come in and buy these containers to huff out of a balloon and get a three-second high. I know it’s only a three-second high because I tried it during my first solo overnight shift. With no customers in the store, I cracked a cartridge, filled a balloon, inhaled as deeply as I could and proceeded to fall off my stool while giggling to myself. The high ended immediately and my ass hurt for days. It seems like a great way to blow $40 on a Saturday night.

Other than the ensured loss of brain cells, there isn’t a tremendous amount of risk with huffing nitrous oxide other than suffocation. I’ve heard of nitrous “connoisseurs” who have died after buying an industrial tank of nitrous oxide and then opening it up in their non-ventilated home. I’ve also heard of users suffering from blue lips after re-inhaling and exhaling directly into the balloon, with no fresh oxygen for five to ten minutes at a time.

Again; a great way to blow $40 bucks.

Once I started learning more about nitrous fans and inhalant culture, I started pumping the regular customers for more information. Many said they like the unpredictability of the effect of nitrous combined with how quickly the effects leave your system.

One customer told me about how he was invited on a camping trip with a group of friends who had gotten ahold of a 200 liter nitrous oxide tank and were taking it out to the woods. Once settled, everyone gathered around the pick-up bed with their balloons in hand, ready to trip out. After he had huffed enough, he sat on the back of the truck and watched his friends empty a balloon into their lungs, turn and sprint for ten feet before stopping and trying to figure out why they had felt the need to run.

Another confided that he couldn’t invite particular friends to their nitrous parties anymore because certain people can become violent when their huffing. Nothing ever came to blows, but as he put it, “It really harshes your mellow when the same asshole screams at the top of his lungs for five seconds every time he takes a hit.” Now he gets a group together to huff in a parking lot, then they just drive home.

This is probably the same fucker who keeps leaving me piles of empty canisters to clean up in our parking lot at the beginning of every shift.

All things considered… actually, considering the other stuff we sell in the store, nitrous is pretty tame and relatively benign. It’s just expensive, short-lasting and leaves a huge mess.

Sex vs. Sick

Working the overnight shift and the fact that I mop the floors of the video rooms has already resulted in me getting the nickname Jizzmopper. Not that I mind this. You’d be surprised how quickly you get used to someone calling you Jizz.

I might have mentioned that Mankato doesn’t have a gay friendly bar or social hangout, so the video booths in the back serve as a pick-up location for the local gay community. Yes, this is pretty gross, but knowing that not all gays are sexual deviants, it really bothers me to think that this is only place a homosexual male feels they can go to meet other like-oriented males.

I brought this issue up with friends of mine in the Mankato State chapter of SAGE (Straights and Gays for Equality). We talked in depth about how sexual deviancy has clouded the public’s perspective of the gay community as a whole.

Simply put, the guy trying to suck off a stranger in the back of a porn store may be gay… but he’s also sick. Additionally, not every gay person is trying to commit anonymous sexual acts on a sticky, cum-filled floor in the back of a porn store.

It really got me thinking because working in an atmosphere where your main exposure to the gay community is chasing people pants-less out of the back of the store with a baseball bat doesn’t leave much opportunity to for non-bias. 

It would be like a border guard in Texas’ opinion of Hispanics.

Sex, in particular porn, is pleasurable and like all things that feel good, it can be addictive. I don’t think we should ban porn because of this any more than I think we should ban alcohol because some people are prone to alcoholism. I am very liberal on this subject and don’t think we should ban any drug. I also think that the only things that are obscene are those that actually hurt someone else.

It all comes down to personal responsibility. One could ask themselves, “Should I buy this $400 sex doll or should I instead use this money to set up an eHarmony account, meet a real person and develop a personality?” Most would agree that we shouldn’t put a law in place that would require people to spend their money on responsible activities, but this is exactly what “moral legislation” sounds like to me. In a capitalist system, that we all know and love, the government’s role should be to encourage economic activity, not limit and regulate it.

I like to think the majority of devices I sell are used to enhance a loving relationship and not as an attempt to fill a gaping void in someone’s soul… but I’ll never be sure. There’s no way we could actually test this and if a person wants to fill a… void with a molded-plastic device, carpe diem.

To be fair, I’d have these same questions rolling around my head if I worked at a liquor store or bakery (although I’d be suspicious of the customer who keeps buying birthday cakes for themselves.) Freedom includes freedom to destroy yourself by following an unhealthy lifestyle. This could be killing your body with drugs and alcohol or it could be practicing in an unsafe sexual lifestyle by meeting strangers who might infect you with something or knife your guts out.

But back to my main point, there’s a subset of the population that would like you to believe that every homosexual is a pervert, trying to have sex with you while spreading his or her lifestyle agenda. They point to places like this store as an example of why the homosexual lifestyle is evil and that our children must be protected. But the problem is that the freaks licking cum off the floor and giving each other handjobs under the dividers of a video booth are not anyone’s definition of normal. I would venture to guess that even the most seasoned hedonist would find this behavior dangerous, disgusting and scary. Even if you like the idea of having sex with strangers, unprotected sex with someone you’ve never met is downright stupid.

I hate being pigeonholed and don’t like to do it to other people. Saying that every gay person is mentally ill by the questionable lifestyle choices made by a tiny, perverted, section of the population is unfair. You might as well call every person who drinks alcohol a barfly.